A HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO MAKING NEW FRIENDS by Taurean Tomlin

So you need new friends. Perhaps you’re being ignored by your current friends. Perhaps your schedules don’t match up. Or even better, for your emotions, perhaps they all died in a fire. Either way, no one likes being alone, except for Wolverine; but let’s be honest, if you were as cool as him you’d already have friends, but you aren’t. Luckily for you, we’re here to teach you how to make friends with maximum efficiency, like a robot, a friendship robot…or a friendship Asian sweatshop worker, whatever floats your boat. 

Step 1: Finding new people

            This is arguably the hardest part of the friend making experience.  Just follow these few suggestions and you’ll be alright. People are social animals who tend to congregate in places where other people are already found, thus making back alleys and theaters showing Tyler Perry movies poor places to start. For beginners, we suggest schools and old age homes, as the young and the elderly typically find it harder to flee from unwanted advances...of friendship. For intermediate to advance friend makers, we suggest going to jail for petty crimes. You’ll find tons of people with a variety of interests in general population; such as amateur tattooing, meth, knife crafting, meth, race relations (mainly how to stop them), and of course, meth.

Step 2: Interacting  

            So you’ve backed this potential friend into a corner with no chance of escape, but now what? This is a tricky situation in which you run the risk of having your eyes clawed out, but the reward is most certainly worth the risk. Try an ice breaker. People hate bad breath, and you’ve most certainly got it…

THIS ARTICLE IS SPONSORED BY ICE BREAKERS GUM. BREAK THE ICE!

            If that doesn’t work, try asking them about their hobbies. People tend to like those who take an interest in whatever boring and mundane thing they consider fun. Just remember not to yawn in their face. If you must yawn, excuse yourself from the conversation and go somewhere away from their line of sight. Once you’ve got all that yawning out of your system, return to the conversation. If your potential friend hasn’t taken this opportunity to run away, congrats on accomplishing step 2. If they have, we suggest even more IceBreakerstm.

Step 3: Abandoning old friends

            “I don’t need them.” / “They’re dead weight.” / “They’re probably out to kill me.”

All thoughts you’ve probably had. Let me tell you, you’re 100% correct. Sadly for you, these leeches will most certainly get in the way of your newfound happiness. It’s time to cut them off, before moving on to bigger and better things. While faking your own death can be expensive and impractical, faking a disease is an easy way to fade into the background. When confronted, yes, confronted, by “friends” about going out and doing things, just remember these simple phrases.

              “No I can’t go out, I have cancer.”/ “I’d love to go see a movie, but I’m dealing with all this cancer.”/ “I can’t talk on the phone. Phones cause cancer. I’ve already got enough cancer.”

Eventually they’ll get the point. (Ed. Note: The point is cancer)

Step 4: Sealing the deal

            Now that you’ve shown your new potential friend that you’re willing to dispose of any and all hints of a past life for them, it’s time to propose an outing. There are several places that one can take a potential friend that will illustrate that you are a worthy candidate for their friendship. While movies and theme parks are a safe bet, we suggest something a bit more memorable, AN EXACT RECREATION OF THE OREGON TRAIL! While your new friend may not be onboard in the beginning (and that’s nothing some rohypnol and a logical explanation won’t fix…after they wake up of course) they’re certainly going to come to your side once you two are on your way. The Oregon Trail signified more than just the search for a better life, it signified a bonding experience; and without the usual crowd of dozens that tended to bog down the traditional Trail experience, you’ll have more time to interact with each other. What’s more fun than developing hobbies together, such as hunting ducks or combating snake venom? Oh the conversations you’ll have as you devour 100s of lbs of bacon. What’s diphtheria? Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out eventually; and when you do, you’re both certain to have a good laugh. So acquire yourself a wagon and hitch it up, because you’re both about to have the most memorable time of your lives. Just remember, no cell phones, you’ll want to keep the trip as authentic as possible; but if the slight chance arises where they do rebuff your friendship advances and get a hold of an officer of the law, just repeat steps 1 through 4. You’re sure to get it right sooner or later. Once all is said and done , sit down and have a nice sarsaparilla, because

CONGRATS!

   You’re the proud owner of

    A NEW FRIEND!

You’re welcome. (Ed. Note: Wait, does Taurean not have cancer?)

Scenes From A SnapChartist - Kevin Farren

The Future of Comedy isn't simply about the comedy. We're about the Future of the Arts! Pablo Picasso is a Saint! Andy Warhol is a Legend! That caveman who did the first doodle of a saber-toothed cat was pretty Boss! But the Future!?!? We've figured it out. SNAPCHAT!!!! Yea you know those images that delete right after someone looks at them? Well, we've saved them from one Kevin Farren who may be the greatest Snapchat Artist that's ever lived that we've coined the phrase Snapchartist! (Google may say minor people have tried but we're a god damn website so it's ours!!!)

Anyways here in what hopes to be an ongoing series are some of Kevin Farren's works during his video game period.

 Allegoria della Tronavera

 Allegoria della Tronavera

Triumph of Inky

Triumph of Inky

A Sunday Afternoon on the Planet of Pikmin

A Sunday Afternoon on the Planet of Pikmin

Fall of The Mario

Fall of The Mario

Miracle of St. Ash

Miracle of St. Ash

Apoteosis of Kevin

Apoteosis of Kevin

Soft Construction with Bullet Bill

Soft Construction with Bullet Bill

The Son of Shinra

The Son of Shinra

Bob-bomb's Mother

Bob-bomb's Mother

Find Kevin Farren on snap chat at "kevinrfarren"!!!!!!!

Which Character From Where's Waldo Are You?

Please keep track of your answers

1. Do you like to hide? Yes or No?

 

2. Do you like striped shirts? Yes or No?

 

3. Have you ever used a cane? Yes or No?

 

4. Have you ever lost a sock before? Yes or No?

 

5. Do you know where you are? Yes or No?

 

Calculating…...

 

YOU'RE FUCKING WALDO, IDIOT!!!!

-Joe Bates

Monday's Mini Motion Picture

This week's Mini Motion Picture is a tribute to a show that was unceremoniously cancelled, Community. I believe we're all going through a lot, folks. A lot of feelings and a lot of need to clear spaces on our shelves for Community's Laser Lotus energy pods.

Friday Music: The Avengers Before They Were Cool

A lot of people wonder how did the Avengers get so popular? Well obviously, Robert Downey Jr. sold his soul to Mephisto. I don't know why people don't realize that. A lot of you kids out there don't remember the 60's like I do when I lived it!!! That's right I'm 86 years old and still kicking! But here's your favorite heroes as they were in their glory days when there was free love, really crappy weed, and overrated music!

1. Iron Man

Now this is easily the best theme of all the ones you're going to see. It has that classic feel and Iron Man really is the most tomorrow land esque of all the Avengers. This theme song sounds like something he'd have Lena Horne write for him and sing at any of his jazz clubs he owns while talking up the hottest girl possible who has a little too much plump for my taste. THANKS HOLLYWOOD FOR CHANGING THAT!!!!

2. Thor

You know for a God, they sure skimped on the cost of the production of this video for the theme. I like to think the cartoon  had characters barely moving like it was a bad episode of Sealab 2021 that always ended with Thor slowly raising his hammer and then BOOM!!! Lighting flash, and roll credits. Also, the 60's probably wouldn't start with a rainbow if they knew what the future held for that symbol. They were pretty homophobic for an era of free love.

3. Captain America

My favorite! America! Red and white and blue! I will say the way he throws his shield does not seem to be the most aerodynamic way but I will give it this, the theme song is to the point and does its job. The video just doesn't do it justice.

4. Hawkeye

The guy who made this is my hero! Arrow!

5. Black Widow

Hahaha, Black Widow never got anything in the 60's except being a communist. Also trailers in the 50s were horrible. Ginger Rogers would probably kick Scarlett Johansson's prominently shown on the posters ass. 

6. The Incredible Hulk

Are you kidding me? This is fantastic!

"Doc Bruce Banner,
Belted by gamma rays,
Turned into the Hulk.

Ain’t he unglamor-ous!

Wreckin’ the town
With the power of a bull,

Ain’t no monster clown
Who is as lovable.

As ever-lovin’ Hulk! HULK!! HULK!!"

As ever-loving' btw could not be more mumbled. I just picture the music producer just nodding his head after listening to it once, "Fucking nailed it."

*BONUS*

7. Sub Mariner

Haha, if this is your friend's favorite super hero, he probably cheers for the bad guys in telenovelas. Good night everybody!

-Joe Bates

Sr. Buho's Take - Concerning Security

After hearing about the kid who ran away from home by jumping into the wheel well of an airliner later to arrive in the Aloha state, I was impressed. I mean that's an epic fight with the parents to say, "Fuck it, I'm gonna run away to WHEREEVER". I bet it was serious stuff, my guess is his video games were off limits. One thing's for sure he's grounded (Pun possibly intended).

458779166_640.jpg

Since then this kid, who apparently did not know air gets thinner and colder at altitude - our public education system again proving its value - is a top story. It was only a matter of time before some asshat politician cries foul and reaffirms their unyielding commitment to the protection of Americans from dangerous so and so's; in unrelated news public opinion numbers are up. Seriously though, we x-ray every passenger who flies in or around the US just in case something fishy is going on, meanwhile you can hop a fence and take a suicidal stroll on the tarmac. The image of security my friends- cough cough.

As you can imagine my last flight was miserable, probably slightly less uncomfortable than our stowaway buddy's trip, but on my way through to the TSA public molestation corral this girl comes up and asks if I am interested in Clear. She had a captive audience, so I stood for her pitch - which needed work. Clear is a company that offers its members expedited security screening. Sounds great doesn't it? Don't have to wait through those pesky lines, it's like going to Disney Land with your handicapped cousin. Over the next few hours of self medicating, I considered this Clear company. 

There are a few issues I have with the business model. What I like most is, rather than having your privacy invaded publicly Clear customers give their permission to be investigated and pay some coin in the process. Sure you value your privacy, but waiting in lines, the worst! Pay around $200 a year, submit yourself to what I assume is a thorough background check, and you get to skip the line. The S-E-C-U-R-I-T-Y line. The line that everyone else, namely those who did not pay for the service, is subjected to stand depressingly. I'd be very interested to see what percentage of people are rejected. And who is deciding what's OK and not OK for the background check? I hope it's not the same brainiacs politely informing me of the friendly use of the back of their hands on my "sensitive areas". Does a bounced check throw up flags, or do you have to make a trip to Mecca to get rejected? And why is it $200! FBI background checks are around $20. Looking on the bright side at least there is a private company invested in making the security process as painless as possible…for their customers, everyone else on the other hand can get bent, and the worse off they are, the better.

The industry or Homeland Security or whomever is responsible for the clusterfuckery, created this hugely inconvenient, invasive, often inappropriate, and arguably useless security process. The traveling public just has to understand it's for our own good. Meanwhile civil liberty advocates return to their semi-permanent state of "outrage" and the sheeple gradually accept the new installment to our Orwellian reality. My next trip, I'll have to consider packing a jacket and some O2 - this fence hopping thing is sounding pretty good.

-Sr. Buho

Monday's Mini Motion Picture

Everyone!!!! Every Monday we will post a Monday Mini Motion Picture (basically it's a youtube clip but who cares? Oh Fred cares? Fred, I swear to God!!!!)

Todays Mini Motion Picture comes from Easier Said Than Dunn. He reviews KFC's Limited Edition Chicken Corsage. That's super gross. But also, makes me super hungry to eat a girl's wrist.

Like the video? Go subscribe to his youtube page at https://www.youtube.com/user/ESTDComedy

Or check out Owen Dunn comedy at http://easiersaidthandunn.com

Your Guide To March Madness And Why North Carolina Will Win It All

Hey, I'm Bryan Dano. March Madness is upon us and I am just the right person to guide you through the emotional roller coaster of filling out your bracket.  Here are my qualifications: 1. I watch a lot of sports and I am familiar with most ESPN personalities.  2. I haven’t watched much, if any, college basketball up until last Saturday and Sunday. 3. I pick the same team to win it every year: North Carolina.  Now that you know I’m supremely qualified we will move on to some of the ways to pick teams.  I’ll just go with my two favorites: Coaches and Mascots.

1.  Coaches

Who would be the ultimate coach?  It would have to be someone who is a motivator, a master tactician, and really understands people.  A man that knows how to drain every last ounce out of his squad even if it means running up the score on a smaller/meaker team. He would be so good he could even make a father root against his own son just because he was the coach.  The obvious choice?  Coach Jack Riley.

Who would be the ultimate coach?  It would have to be someone who is a motivator, a master tactician, and really understands people.  A man that knows how to drain every last ounce out of his squad even if it means running up the score on a smaller/meaker team. He would be so good he could even make a father root against his own son just because he was the coach.  The obvious choice?  Coach Jack Riley.

In all seriousness we could never expect Coach Riley to ever give up his post behind the Hawks bench, but we can still dream.

A good coach can go a long way in the tournament.  A crazy coach can go even further if given the chance.  That’s why Mike Rice being fired last year was so disappointing.  Imagine if he would have been given another couple of seasons to mold and shape his Scarlet Knight basketball club.

Practicing the right way

Practicing the right way

Rice will become the Errol Childress of coaching: “You know what they did to me?  And what I will do to all the sons and daughters of Rutgers basketball?”  “GIVE AN EFFORT!!!”

Okay, Okay, Okay.  I’ll stop dreaming and move on to coaches and teams that actually are participating in this years tournament.

There are 7 coaches in this years field that have won National Championships: Billy Donovan of Florida (2), Jim Boeheim of Syracuse, Bill Self of Kansas, Tom Izzo of Michigan St, Roy Williams of North Carolina (2), Steve Fisher of San Diego St., John Calipari of Kentucky, and Mike Krzyzewski of Duke (4).   That doesn’t necessarily mean anything, but experience can do nothing but help.   I would say 5 of these coaches are pretty damn good: Donavon, Boeheim, Self, Izzo, and Williams.  One is an old piece of garbage that won his title about 2 million farts ago: Fisher.  And one coach is a liar: Coach K.  Why is he a liar?  

This man claims he doesn’t dye his hair.  Bullshit

This man claims he doesn’t dye his hair.  Bullshit

http://msn.foxsports.com/buzzer/story/duke-basketball-coach-mike-krzyzewski-says-he-does-not-dye-his-hair-031014

As long as the team you're picking doesn’t have an old piece of garbage or a liar strolling the sidelines, then that team has passed criteria #1 in the selection process.  Which leads us to criteria #2…..Mascots.

2. Mascots

Very simple don’t pick a team with the all time worst mascot like this:

tree011610_01dg.jpg

Pick a mascot that not only looks good, but is willing to fight for their team.  Prime example: The Great Dane of Albany.

140318123157-albany-great-danes-mascot-single-image-cut.jpg

This Great Dane acted like a jerk and went over to mix it up with the Seawolf of Stoney Brook….just because he could. Gotta love it.

And just for fun, the best mascot photo of all time:  

I wish the Orange Bowl was a school.      They would have multiple titles strictly because of Obie.

I wish the Orange Bowl was a school.  They would have multiple titles strictly because of Obie.

BRACKET BREAKDOWN

Now on to the mind numbing, award winning, and better than Digger Phelps Analysis

SOUTH REGION:

Round of 64 winners: Florida, Pittsburgh, Stephen F. Austin, Tulsa, Dayton, Syracuse, New Mexico, Kansas

Going with some upsets a 12 seed (SFA), a 13 (Tulsa), and an 11 (Dayton).  Why?  SFA is located in Texas.  That’s it.  Tulsa has Danny Manning as it’s head coach. Yeah!! Danny Manning from the 1988 Kansas Jayhawks!  Wahoo!  Also, I hate UCLA for 2 reasons: 1. I have always disliked the Pac 10/12. 2. Their head coach Steve Alford is a royal douchebag (read why here http://deadspin.com/meet-steve-alford-uclas-future-former-basketball-coac-465601430) Dayton was simple: My stepdad graduated from Dayton. .  The others games were not so hard.  No 16 has ever beaten a 1 for good reason.  Kansas will win at least a game before embarrassing themselves.  Colorado checked out of being competitive in athletics years ago and perfect for a Pitt team that also sucks come tournament time, but hey somebody’s gotta win.  If Syracuse can’t beat W. Michigan they should fold as a program.  New Mexico starts it’s unlikely ride by beating the team with the worst mascot ever (Stanford).

Round of 32 winners: Florida, SFA, Dayton, New Mexico

Florida cruises past a Pitt Panther team that’s just happy not to lose in the 1st round again.  SFA outlasts the Mighty Mannings (and get the SI cover).  Dayton sends professor dork Jim Boeheim and his Orangeman home.  Kansas goes back to the Bill Self Kansas team that shits the bed in the opening weekend as New Mexico marches on.

Sweet 16 winners: Florida and New Mexico

Florida kills the dream of the SFA.  They have now beaten a 16 seed, pathetic Pitt, and a 12 seed to reach the regional final.  Doesn’t get much easier.  New Mexico beats Dayton and that Lobos Love Train is getting full.  Get on board, folks.  It’s going to Dallas.

Elite 8 winner/Final Four participant: New Mexico

The Lobos that couldn’t beat the smart Harvard kids in the 1st round last year under Steve ‘Bad Guy’ Alford now look unstoppable and are headed to the Final Four at the Jerry Dome.

EAST REGION:

Round of 64 winners: Virginia, George Washington, Cincinatti, Michigan St, North Carolina, Iowa St, St. Joes, Villanova

Really no big upsets here.  Memphis thought it was going to be relevant after Derrick Rose left and they’re losing to G.W.  Cinci is a team I hate to pick over the smart kids, but I did.  If Delaware had played anybody else besides Michigan St, I would have Blue Hen fever.  Carolina easy, easy, easy win over Providence.  Iowa St big. St. Joe’s in a slight upset over UConn and Villanova wins because they are playing a college from Milwaukee.

Round of 32 winners:  George Washington, Cincinnati, North Carolina, St. Joe’s.

Our first #1 seed is out in Virginia.  I never bought into the Virginia hype this year and GW shows that TWTW on the way to the Sweet 16.  Cinci over Michigan St is a surprise, but considering EVERYBODY has Michigan St winning it all it’s only logical to go with the Bearcats in this one.  North Carolina does enough to slip by an Iowa St team that is clearly better and has the best nickname for a coach: ‘The Mayor’ Fred Hoiberg.  I picked St. Joe’s because I basically think (like every year) Villanova is fraud.

Sweet 16 winners: Cincinnati and North Carolina. 

I got to admit even I think I’m taking this Cincinnati Bearcat bandwagon too far, but it’s them or the GW bandwagon….Bearcats win.  North Carolina stomps St. Joe’s by scoring more points than them. 

Elite 8 winner/Final Four participant: North Carolina

Tar Heels make the trip to Big D after Bar Rescue’s Jon Taffer gives them a motivational speech about failure.

WEST REGION:

Round of 64 winners: Arizona, Oklahoma St, North Dakota St, San Diego St, Nebraska, Creighton, Oregon, Wisconsin. 

Only real upset here is ND St over Oklahoma.  God what Illinois would do to have an athletic program like the ND St Bison.  Arizona rolls.  Oklahoma St pounds Gonzaga and I think it’s time to push Gonzaga out the door as an elite program.  They never win anything significant.  They have been living off that run 12 years ago and have yet to duplicate it.  Nebraska over Baylor as the Bears celebrates over 10 years of murder free basketball.  Creighton big.  I love me some Creighton and Dougie McDermott.  Oregon over BYU for no good reason and Wisconsin let’s the USA down by beating American.

Round of 32 winners: Oklahoma St, San Diego St, Creighton, Wisconsin

Oklahoma St has a player who shoved a fat Texas Tech fan.  Can Arizona say the same?  No, that toughness carries the Cowboys to the Sweet 16.  San Diego St wins and becomes the most boring team in the Sweet 16.  Creighton all day, everyday, Larry Bird baby! Wisconsin advances because the game is in Milwaukee.  

Sweet 16 winners: Oklahoma St and Creighton

Oklahoma St does everyone who doesn’t like slow play, bad field goal shooting, bad free throw shooting, muck it up defense a favor and pounds San Diego St. Creighton dispatches Wisconsin’s best team in years. You can start to hear the Larry Bird comparisons grow louder with Doug McDermott. He drops 3 after 3 after 3 over white guy after white guy after white guy of Wisconsin. 

Elite 8 winner/Final Four participant: Creighton

Like you didn’t see that pick coming?

MIDWEST REGION:

Round of 64 winners: Wichita St, Kentucky, NC St, Louisville, UMass, Duke, Texas, Michigan.

Wichita St wins it’s 1st and only game of the tournament.  Kentucky has a favorable matchup with Kansas St because Bruce Weber is on the KSU sideline. NC St over St. Louis because it’s so obvious STL is way overrated.  How do you lose 5 of your last 6 and get a 5 seed???  Louisville over the Jaspers of Manhattan.  UMass wins over either Iowa or Tennessee.  Duke defeats Ron Mercer College.  Texas over ASU and Michigan big over Wofford.  

Round of 32 winners: Kentucky, Louisville, Duke, Texas.

Wichita St is vastly overrated and Kentucky’s talent wins this game.  WSU is now sent home but can look back at some great quality wins over Illinois St and Evansville.  Good job, good effort guys.  Louisville sends Rick Pitino to a new city the following week where plenty of waitresses nervously await.  Duke takes down the juggernaut that is the UMass Minutemen.  Watching Michigan in the Big 10 tournament is the reason they are out against Texas.  They're a one trick pony.  Live by the 3, die by the 3.  

Sweet 16 winners: Kentucky and Duke

In the battle of Kentucky, Kentucky bests defending National Champion Louisville.  Rick Pitino flies home STD free.  Duke is Duke and beats UT. 

Elite 8 winner/Final Four participant:  Kentucky

Duke comes soooo close to another Final Four before it’s ripped away from him.  Coach K hugs his seniors, claims he loves Duke even more, and says college basketball is the greatest at his press conference.  Pretty much the same thing he does every year.

FINAL FOUR:

#6 North Carolina over #7 New Mexico and #3 Creighton over # 8 Kentucky.  

There is too much Tar Heel bias for the Lobos to overcome as Carolina reaches the championship game.  Creighton out 3’s Kentucky and sets up the a classic final. 

NATIONAL CHAMPION:

North Carolina

Why North Carolina?  Because they are my favorite team, duh.  You expected a logical explanation?  I will have you know I have been right 8% of the time over the past 25 years.  This is the path that can get them there: Beat an 11, 3, 10, 5, 7, and 3 seed to win it all.  That is March Madness.    

Editor's (it's Joe Bates! I'm the editor!) notes:

1. This tournament is already bullshit because there's no WVU in it

2. I love Duke

3. Providence's best player is Bryce Cotton


Joe Decodes Song Lyrics (Deepest, Bluest - LL Cool J)

Folks, I love all music but every now and then there come songs so great that they are beyond our understanding and I'm here to figure out the deeper meaning in Joe Decodes Song Lyrics.

This week: Deepest, Bluest (Shark's Fin) by LL Cool J

Uh, my hat is like a shark's fin

Yup, LL your hat is like a shark's fin…..wait, hold up. No, it's not. You're wearing a do-rag and you clearly have a very round head. This couldn't be less of a fin unless you had Wolverine's haircut which is the exact opposite of a fin. Okay, let's get this song started.

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

Deepest, bluest? Okay if you're going to use hyperbole, LL. Maybe at least make it understandable. Are you saying your hat is the deepest and bluest? Is that what makes it like a shark's fin? We're two lines in Mr. Cool J and I'm already confused. Hopefully you elaborate soon.

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

Nope, not gonna elaborate are you? I guess you're sticking with that chorus. Alright blow my mind with your lyrics, LCJ.

Man-made terror, hungry jaws of death
Y'all don't cross my depths, I'll pause your breaths
I cause you to sink down forty thousand leagues
Bleeding to death with no arms and short sleeves

Okay forget what I said before, I was unaware that you were going to be doing this entire song rapping as if you were a shark. Pause your breaths if I cross your depths? Classic shark talk. Currently I'm all in with this song. Even as I'm bleeding to death with no arms and short sleeves. Actually, that's an insane lyric for a shark. Why would you rip my arms off and then drag me down forty thousand leagues? A 120,000 miles? The deepest part of the ocean is 7 miles. Plus why does it matter that I'm wearing short sleeves? I'm confused LL Cool Shark.

My world's deep blue, killers gotta eat too
Looking for human flesh to rip my teeth through
Other fish in the sea but barracudas ain't equal
To a half human predator created by a needle

Killer's definitely gotta eat too. Maybe a McGriddle though and not human flesh. Those things are delicious, LL Sharkey J. Plus you're like a crazy smart shark so there's no need to be insecure and attack the barracuda of all the fish in the sea. You're as you say a half human predator who believes the words equal and needle rhyme.

Jet black eyes, baby, they stare while you sleep
When your Titanic sinks, I'm the one you gon' meet
Hearing terrified screams, they surround my team
All you see is trails of blood, even God won't intervene

Alright at this point, I understand you're a super smart shark and this is your first attempt at entering the rap game. but the AABB rhyming structure really takes a huge hit when you use sleep and meet or team and intervene. By the way, why are you watching us sleep, you creepy ass shark? Also, are you telling me Titanic ended with you eating everyone? Is that how Jack died? Jesus, I should have stayed awake for that whole movie. I also think it's cute that you think God won't intervene due to the amount of blood. Have you read Exodus? Not only does Moses turn a river into blood but ummm the story of passover pretty much is the death of a bunch of kids but you go on ahead thinking a shark attack is a bit too icky for God.

Nightmares of darkness, my appetite is heartless
Even if we related, you eliminated regardless
In the deep blue underwater walls
Half man, half shark, my jaws don't fall

This shark's so evil that even it's hunger is evil. Do you realize how evil that is? It's like someone who eats bad break ups, cancer and tofu. This shark is eating it's relatives too?!?! So wait….other sharks? Or Shark Shark Cool J's family? I guess sharks would be unaware who their relatives are because there isn't a lot of single family homes in the shark kingdom especialy ones who have no equal. Who is rapping in this song? Half man, half shark so I guess relatives on both sides?

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

I'm still kinda bothered by that whole rhyming needle and equal. Seems like LShark Cool J wasn't trying.

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

Does he put his hand up to his head like a shark's fin when he sings this chorus? Didn't Jimmy Buffet already have this move patented?

Our Father who art in Heaven hallowed be Thy name
Killers sworn to beast, swallowed them in flames
They switched my DNA, trip me into Cool J
I can't fight the feeling, I'm born to kill prey

Whoa! Evil christian shark? So basically it's a shark that's resigned to its fate once it finishes its destruction of the ocean world it will go to shark hell? Or worse, half man half shark hell, the scariest of all the hells? I think we can guess the rapping shark isn't the shark in the film but is just as evil. Somehow they switched LL's brain or in this case DNA into a super evil shark and the evil shark basically won the battle of morals but LL Cool S (S for shark) got to keep his love of rhymes. I'm starting to understand this former author of I Wrote My Own who has now turned into an evil christian shark with no equal.

To survive an attack there's only one way
Battle to the death, that's how sharks play
Weapons left behind, we dueling with the mind
You blind, crippled, or crazy, you're real easy to find

Surviving an attack and the only way out is a battle to the death. THAT'S how sharks play? Hey sharks let me introduce you to Goldeneye for N64 it's like ten million times more fun than battling without weapons. Do sharks have weapons? Is he fighting other sharks or is he fighting humans who he would like to have them leave their weapons behind? That's all humans have to fight sharks. Sure there's a story or two about a human that scores the right punch on the nose but odds are pointing towards shark. Also, listen shark there's no need for a duel of the minds when you're a shark. It's a human paddling to keep above water vs. a god damn shark. (Sorry for using the lord's name in vain, shark). No need to have a chess match with a human more less a blind, crippled or crazy one. Is this a weird euthanasia belief that sharks believe?

Struggling to flow with hemorrhages in your throat
Getting the lap dance while I smash through your boat
Eat your whole fam', nothing left but a right hand
Clinging to a rail, escape attempts fail

No, no no no…..this whole stanza is crazy bananas. First line, fine I'll give it to you. It is hard to flow when you're bleeding in your throat. No one's going to argue that. But now you're a half man half evil christian shark who gets lap dances when you smash into boats? How do you even have that kind of time? How long can you stay above water? AND WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD GIVE AN EVIL SHARK A LAP DANCE? That's gotta be a last resort move for some lady with low self esteem and daddy issues who mind you just had her whole fam' eaten with only a right hand left….okay let's take a second and realize that Shark Shark Shark Shark just rhymed fam' and hand. Nope, I don't care how much you distort word just no. And yes when it's just a right hand clinging to a rail their escape attempts most definitely failed. Maybe they were left handed?

You'll never make it home, tear the flesh off your bone
Walking in undercurrents is a dangerous zone
I'm talking death out a moment's notice
You wasn't focused, me and my crew strike
Like some underwater locusts

A little knowledge about the ocean. Undercurrents are bad people not only will they take you deeper into the ocean but there's a super smart shark just waiting to eat you on the other side. Wait he has a crew? Are those the sharks he plays with in battles to the death? Hopefully not a playful bunch or they'll be a pretty small crew. "Hey can Sharky come out to play? TO THE DEATH!?!?" Haha, shark kids.

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

What's the most shark like hat? That thing Peter Pan wears?

Uh, uh, take it deeper
Uh, uh, take it deeper
Uh, uh, take it deeper
Uh, uh, take it deeper

I can only hope deeper means deeper meaning in these last stanzas because this song is already bonkers.

These waters are waist level, the hallway's flooded
Lost your scuba gear, the killer's cold-blooded

Hey a totally normal line finally maybe Mr. Cool Shark is coming into his own now

His name's LL, you don't really want it
I ate your ancestors, the ocean is haunted

DAMN IT! Ate my ancestors? Why are you so worried about hell if you're immortal. Jesus, El Sharko Coolio Jefe. That's ridiculous……that's just a ridiculous line. 

I'm closing in 'cause I'm supposed to win
How the cold steel feel when it froze your chin
Should of stayed on dry land stroke while you can
'Cause now you under pressure in the land of the damned

All of these lines make no sense. Supposed to win? This isn't a game. What's the cold steel frozen to my chin? Although I've gotten a little more explanation on the whole religious aspect. The ocean is hell for everyone else. But half man half shark hell is a bunch of flames. I swear I did not see that passage when I read the Bible….and I read like all of the Bibles.

Abandoned pirate ships, eels and sod scum
Fish that glow in the dark, the Titanic's hub
Underwater storms, you're blood is so warm
You're life vest is off and that turns me on

This part of the song is clearly where Sharkell L Sharkool J ran out of things to describe in the ocean. It's a hodgepodge of ocean references with the worst rhymes yet. How many songs have the words sod scum? None of the songs? And if there are probably not rhymed with Titanic hub (2nd Titanic reference mind you, there are other ships in the ocean SS [Shark Shark]). The other rhyme is storms to warm to on. Just read that out loud and try to make them rhyme. I'll wait…………..has anyone looked at you yet? Because they should. You sound like an idiot. And we return to the whole shark's sexual needs. If you're going to give a shark a lap dance you better do that whole removing the life vest role play he's so into. During the making of Deep Blue Sea did LL Cool J ever have sex with someone while roleplaying as a shark? I'm going to live my life as if this is true. My life will be better.

Killer for centuries, the Gotti of the deep
In the next millennium, I'm still gonna creep
Sand under my belly, ocean over my head
Through the light in the shadows
You become the living dead

What a weird way to finish off your song before outro chorus. Reference to being the mafia of the sea with your gang who plays to the death. Also, hey buddy the ocean's under your belly too. Unless you're a benthic organism…….and for those who don't know what that is don't worry half men half sharks are not. One thing I did learn though is half men half sharks are apparently immortal for centuries and another millennium which is cool because those years still allow for creationism. Good on you shark, you may have turned your shark head away from God but at least you recognize he exists. Keep on creepin', shark…..keep on creepin'.

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

Uh yea, put your hand upright to your forehead.

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

Fins to the left! Fins to the right!

Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin
Deepest, bluest, my hat is like a shark's fin

Margaritaville.

Yeah, DBS

DBS has got to be some sort of shark STD from all those skanky shark lap dancers.

-Joe Bates

NBC Talent Scout Robot Green-lights Your Pilot #2

Hey morons! I'm the NBC Talent Scout Robot (@TalentScoutRobo) and I'm programmed for one function: Green-lighting blockbuster television! Did you see how great the Olympics were in Sochi? I not only green lit the Olympics but I basically own the entire city of Sochi. Do you know how many Russian chicks I've been with in the last 2 weeks? I had a Russian Doll multiple times. Do you even know what that is? Because I do and it's a 175,000 rubles. I love my life! Bob Greenblatt doesn't even know what he was missing but he had to go hang out with DJ Nash about how Growing Up Fisher has got maybe 3 episodes at most. Why did we listen to anyone named DJ Nash?

I see all these people posting TV show ideas on twitter like they know television! Well, I'm here to tell people if their ideas are #DENIED or #GREENLIT. Let's get started.

1. "TV show idea: Moderner Family- Crossdressing preteens adopt and raise 2 elderly women as their son"

@ieatanddrink

-Are you kidding me?!?!?!? That sounds like the kind of over the top parody that bastard Dan Harmon would love! Let me tell you something, I fired him once and the only reason I brought Dan Harmon back to run Community is so I can fire him again.

Let's say you are serious about your Modern Family rip off which don't get me started how mad I am that people find Ty Burrell lovable and enjoyable. Am I the only one who can see how dark and twisted behind that all american likability? Talk about skeletons in the closet? I should know. I literally have dozens of skeletons in my closet right now after that President's Day Party. Talk about 9 PM to ??? am I right? For those guys, ??? meant death. HAHAHA, I CAN'T GET ARRESTED BECAUSE I'M WORTH MILLIONS!!!!

Who would even play the elderly women? Betty White and Betty White? Don't give me that Cloris Leachman crap. Sure she's great in bed but only because her mouth's full and you don't have to hear her stupid voice. I'm a nymphobot who's rich as fuck.

NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (How about a talent scout robot that has sex with Chelsea Handler all the time? MODERNIST FAMILY! SHIT'S ABSTRACT!)

 

2. "TV execs! Here's an idea: International War Crimes "Judge Judy" show! Presidents & other scoundrels plead, H. Belafonte dispenses justice."

@tmorello

-Harry Belafonte? You can't be serious? Did you see him on The Muppet Show?

YOU SEE HOW MANY MUPPETS THEY HAD TO PUT IN THAT SCENE!?!?!?!? Can't carry a scene with Fozzy the Bear, Belafonte? I fell asleep watching that! How about some violence? You let a muppet out sing you in that scene!…..also, kinda racist muppets…..what was it like it for the puppet maker? Oh I'm totally getting 'native' in this felt puppet…..yeesh! Thank robot god, Fozzy saves it in the end.

Listen Mr. Rage Against The Machine, how are you raging against the machine when you're giving the courts even more power!?!?!? I'm all for a cheap ratings boost but not through cheap reality court shows, damn it! How about this, we Law and Order this shit. We take real live situations but we write a script for it protect these powerful people's identities. I can't be pissing off my boy Ali Khamenei we just partied in one of his uranium enrichment plants…..I mean….a place where they make cocaine.

I'm not making this a Law and Order: World Crimes show though, I'm bringing back Night Court! Yea I said it! Harry Anderson's alive and ready to do this tomorrow! Comedy plus war crimes equals ratings extravaganza!!! Will Billie Young be able to defend Vladimir Putin with their past relationship!?!?!?!

NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (I basically changed your entire stupid idea and Markie Post isn't returning my calls after the "Brazil" incident)

 

3. "New idea for a tv show: 3 white guys in Compton at night and see what happens."

@ZSlaght_VA

-RACIST!!!! I didn't green light William Shatner making out with Nichelle Nichols for you to put this racist garbage on my television network. Sure I cancelled it after 3 seasons….because well you know because of that but still…..

Let's say I even gave you a shot at this, what would you even call this show? 3 white guys in Compton at night. Is this a reality show? Comedy? Drama? Are the white guys making Compton a better place? Do we have to shoot on location? I think we can make El Paso look like Compton then I can lie about my residency and pay no state income tax…..no, no, no…I can do that with any show. 

El Paso is a mecca and so close to Juarez! Where you can basically do anything you want…..ANNNNNNNYYYYYTHIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNG!!!! But NBC Talent Scout Robot what if you get shot or stabbed? I'm a god damn robot. Mexico won't know how to handle advanced technology such as myself.

So back to you being racist. Unless you make these 3 quick witted attractive white ladies educating kids in Compton to turn their lives around you can kiss your green light right out the door as I throw you of the window of my office. I live in a tower taller than the CN Tower because I'm super rich and super don't give a fuck.

NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (Billy Shats would be ashamed of you!)

 

4. "Try this one on for SIZE. A camera crew follows Shaq around as he renames everyday objects to include the word Shaq in them"

@StevenNOzuna

-Have you been sniffing robot glue? Shaq's an ABC man. Always has been, always will be. I'd love Shaq if he wasn't so ABC. He's a man after my own heart. He saw a great tv idea and told Steve Nash he could shove it and made it his own. Classic Shaq or as he'd call it, an instant Shaqssic.

Him and Charles Barkley are we in the industry call instant profits. It's gotta be NBA guys. That's where ABC is making the big mistake in putting their trust in Michael Strahan. Oh that's what I want to see some guy who has suffered massive brain trauma talk about the Kardashian's while I'm drinking my morning robot coffee while getting my robot johnson sucked from a robot prostitute. There's a reason I only let Teddy Atlas do Olympic Boxing. He's either legally retarded or taking 5,000 punches to the head has some sort of lasting impact. And I love Teddy! He'll eat anything for something shiny. I once got him to eat out my blender's robosnatch. Haha, blenders don't even have that! I had to buy him a new tongue but it was worth it when Brian Williams turned it on and Teddy screamed.

Shaq's not mutilating his tongue for NBC Talent Scout Robot. I should name that shit after my name! See that cactus? Now it's a cac-NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT-tus. I totally get it now Shaq. It's creative and funny. Syphillus? Syphi-NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT-llus. Wow, this is the funnest time I've had since Jason Alexander, Jerry Seinfeld, and I snuck into ABC studios and stole the costumes from the show Dinosaurs. We scared so many children! I paid so many parents off to not tell the cops. Jason called me the other day to tell me that story and you know what I told him, "IF JERRY SEINFELD'S NOT WITH YOU THEN GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE! YOU NOBODY!" Now that's an instant clas-NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT-sic.

NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (Shaq's basically my ABC equal. Although I can make my free throws. Seriously, that's a minor function of my programming. 87% free throw shooting career in the roboleauges…..which are still not recognized by the NBA but that's a total separate issue)

 

5. "TV Comedy Idea:  A ________ _____________ is forced to share an apartment with a ___________ ______________."

@rainnwilson

Listen I get it, Rainn ever since The Farm didn't work out because that bastard Greenblatt thought Michael J. Fox this Michael J. Fox that and you've been struggling to put together tv ideas. Well let me tell you something! You deserve The Farm and that would have given me the ability to cancel that pitiful 3 million viewer for the 18-49 demographic Community……god damn it I hate that Greendale so damn much!!!!!

Anyways back to your pitch, I owe you for years of top notch awkward looks with MY MAN John Krasinski! Last Valentine's Day, me and Jay Kray got messed up on mollies and went to Dairy Queen on Magnolia Blvd and made those snot nosed kids let us make our own blizzards. I broke all their machines and I bought the hat worn by Doug the virgin working the cash register for $200. Haha, where's that hat anyways?

Back to the pitch, here's the fill in the blank. A sassy Whitney Cummins is forced to share an apartment with a sassy Chelsea Handler.  BOOM! #AnotherMillion

NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #GREENLIT (BECAUSE IT'S MY DAMN IDEA!!!!!!!)

Joe's Review of Shit You Don't Have - Jet Pack

Hey everyone, Joe Bates here with a review of Shit You Don't Have.

Today's topic: The Martin Jet Pack

phoca_thumb_l_2008 p11 flying.jpg

Look, you don't have that. Who the hell does? Who wants it? Everyone now who's reading this. So here's my review of The Martin Jetpack. 

PRICE: Just under $150,000 for your own personal jetpack

Wow, they're doing the rich people's version of $149,999.99. But Joe, that's too good a deal. Hell yea it is! It's the damn hidden costs. The MINIMUM deposit to secure a spot on the waiting list is $5,000. So if you have that kinda money that you can just have held while you're waiting for you jetpack then by all means. Wait on my friend, wait on!

SAFETY: Pretty safe until you realize you're flying with a jetpack!

Look safety's always a concern when you're talking personal jetpack! They got the fans covered in the giant silos surrounding you so you're arms aren't getting cut off. That's a plus. The pilot's protected with a roll bar and arm restraints. And when in doubt, don't worry you also have a parachute. So as you're falling to your death in your flying machine a parachute will deploy to give you a second of hope before you end up with the largest chalk outline of any police crime scene.

CAN I USE IT?: Hell yea! It's got computers and shit.

Basically the Martin Jetpack is the segway of the air. It balances itself and I'm pretty sure you just yell, "MAKE ME A BALD EAGLE!" and then it takes you soaring from the mountains to the prairies to the oceans…..WHITE WITH FOAM! GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! Wait these guys are from New Zealand? What the hell? There's no oceans in New Zealand!

WILL THIS GET ME LAID?: Oh I don't know………what do you think?

phoca_thumb_l_unknown-4.jpg

What girls aren't wooing over man who's now become 60% machine. But in all honesty, joe schmuck shows up at the hottest club in LA in this baby, there is no doubt you are getting a conversation with the best looking lady at there in between DJ's Miley Cyrus mixes. Make sure you bring a 2nd helmet when you take her up to kiss the clouds. IT'S SAFE! THERE'S A PARACHUTE!!!!

REVIEW: WHO'S NOT DROPPING 150 GRAND FOR THIS BABY? YOU CAN FLY IT WITHOUT BEING IN IT!!!!!

Actually, on second thought…….did you see how little footage they showed of the dude flying it and the fact that it took two guys acting like 4 years fielding a pop up? And I just checked it out……yup…..it is not expected that personal jetpacks will be available before the end of 2015. So why wait? Go and buy 8,000 doves with that just under $150,000 and let the birds take you to American freedom. Why not bald eagles? It's illegal and who the hell could own such a bird. It would own you.

JOE'S REVIEW?

MARTIN JETPACK…….NOT WORTH IT!!!!!

NBC Talent Scout Robot Green-lights Your Pilot

Hey idiots! I'm the NBC Talent Scout Robot (@TalentScoutRobo) and I'm programmed for one function: Green-lighting blockbuster television! Have you heard of the Olympics? My idea. Sound of Music Musical with Carrie Underwood? My idea! Robert Greenblatt chairman of NBC entertainment wanted to do Ragtime with Brandy. I told him "Robbie, sweetie, take this remote control and turn on UPN right now. Oh you can't? We're doing Sound of Music! " Then we did coke together.

I see all these people posting TV show ideas on twitter like they know television! Well, I'm here to tell people if their ideas are #DENIED or #GREENLIT. Let's get started.

1. "TV Show Idea: An old man yelling at a dog. But does the dog have a secret…?"

@rolldiggity

-Sure, mystery, suspense, you can't end a TV show without the viewer going, "But there's a secret I don't know!!!!" People are so dumb and easy to manipulate. "Wahhh I want to be part of something! I want to have friends! What's the island about!?!?!" Haha, The Blacklist's a hit!

Hmmmmm, but I'm scrolling through my databases for successful television shows with animal lead characters……Lassie and Flipper are the only ones coming up and that was made in a time where PETA wasn't all up in our grill about all the tuna sandwiches after each episode of Flipper. I'm a robot and I don't even need to eat them but I do because I can! I LIVE IN EXCESS!!!! I'M RICH!!!!!!

Nowadays, animals are fail unless you got some Jack Hannah wannabe on a late show putting a dangerous animal on Fallon's innocent beautiful head. Don't even get me started on how much a failure Animal Practice was. But hey? I'm only robot.

NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (This has nothing to do with the fact you write for Community……just kidding WHY CAN'T I CANCEL YOU!!!!! DAMN IT MICHAEL J. FOX!!!!!!)

 

2."Idea for a TV show: I go around poisoning children who scream on trains. Working title - The Only Way Is Arsenic."

@Tek_One

-You probably think I don't know foreign shows? I'm a damn robot I've got every episode of The Only Way is Essex in my internal DVR! I HATE MARIO FALCONE!!!!! But onto the idea, a dub step DJ poisons kids? HAVE YOU HEARD YOUR MUSIC? YOU'RE ALREADY DOING THAT!!!!! The only music that ever mattered was played on Dick Clark's American Bandstand. WHICH I STOLE FROM ABC! 

Here at NBC we consider ourselves a little more high brow than doing a reality show on a train. The Apprentice has the richest most powerful man on the planet! DONALD TRUMP! Get out of here with your simple train…unless you can get one of the Rockefeller kids to host…..you probably can't. You're not American.

NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #Dub-dub-dub-dub-DENIED

 

3."TV show idea: Sons of Anarchy, except they're Girl Scouts."

@Jables_1

-Listen you nobody! You think NBC's going to steal a show from FX rebrand it and make it look like it was our original idea? HELL YES WE ARE!

But here's your problem, children are ratings poison and not the kind DJ's use on trains! I wouldn't mind shoving all child actors into a wood chipper if you ask me! How can you get that key demographic of people between ages 18-54 when the cast is younger than 18! Do you even think? Sure About a Boy (Premieres 2/22/14 at 11:00 PM EST) has a kid in it but it's also off of a movie that will trick women thinking it's for them!!!! Haha, women are the worst that's why I only sleep with robot prostitutes! I ALWAYS WIN!!!

NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (Unless you get me some Thin Mints)

 

4."CopDrama but instead of good&bad cop, 2 John Hodgemans. Think Parent Trap in that the guy who wrote Parent Trap is on board"

"The HodgeMEN.' It writes itself in that most of the pilot has word-for-word been pulled from the screenplay of Parent Trap"

"Sidenote: @JohnHodgman will have to change his name to 'John Hodgeman'. I've already printed 3 t-shirts, he'll understand."

@WestCornfield

-Who the hell is John Hodgman? Oh that comic who released his special on Netflix? Hmm, John kill network television much? That's why I hate Kevin Spacey and his show about a politician who stops at nothing to get his way. ONLY I GET MY WAY! I'M A RICH ASS ROBOT!

The worst part is I like John Hodgman and his deranged millionaire! I'm a robot billionaire! It was nice to see someone working his way up! His mustache? I was thinking a show like Magnum PI but if he had a brain.

The only way this show is getting green lit is if you get me John Krasinski as his twin and if I know Jay Kray like I do. (He was over at my Super Bowl party that we had inside Mt. Rushmore. I'm super rich. Zsa Zsa Gabor was there and I didn't even give a fuck.) Jay Kray ain't doing a show with some guy destroying network tv. He's a god damn company man.

NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (Lindsey Lohan would want to do a cameo and we don't want people who want to be on the show. WE WANT TO PAY PEOPLE WAY TOO MUCH TO BE ON SHOWS THEY HATE!)

 

5. "Idea: Someone should make a TV show about cops. Or doctors. Or lawyers. Feel free to steal this."

@radleybalko

-Finally, someone gets it.

NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #GREENLIT #AnotherMillion #TimeToDoCoke

-NBC Talent Scout Robot

If you have a TV show pitch and you're looking to see if it can make it on NBC throw your tv show pitches to @TalentScoutRobo on twitter! Or use the contact page on the website!

Weekly Advice From Our Creator: Public Restrooms

Hello people of the internet, welcome to another weekly installment of weekly advice from our creator. I understand you can go to a lot of other sites for your news and entertainment but this time you went to this one. Congratulations, if I ever meet you I will talk about a great meal I had a fancy restaurant so you can kinda relive the experience with me. Yay! It's like we went out together but with our imagination!

This week's topic: Public Restrooms

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Anyone walk into a public restroom and see a guy using the urinal looking at you when you walk inside? Ladies if you do…ummm…you zigged when you should have zagged.  This is a dude centric activity.  I never understood that…why does he care who is coming into the restroom? Who could I be that makes it more important than you expunging your bladder? 

 

A terrorist? "I'm here to take this bathroom in the name of Joseph Smith!" What? Not all terrorists are Moslem okay, there are Mormon terrorists, you just don't hear about them because…..well mainly they don't exist but still! I guess that guys defense if I was a terrorist and he was at the urinal would be a defensive move I like to call the "turn 90 degrees left." Crisis averted. Take that, Mormons!

 

Who else could I be? A sexy lady? I mean I guess his dick's already out but that's neither the time nor the place…..unless she's a slut but what are the odds? I guess if it was LA, 50% but still not worth the risk of going all in with a urinating flaccid penis based on my own experience.

 

If I'm his friend, I'm not talking to him. He's doing his business, I'm there to do mine. Anyone else able to hold a conversation in a public restroom? What is wrong with you? I can't handle it. I have enough trouble pooing in a public restroom which is the reason it exists. It does not exist for us to  hold a conversation.  Yea that's right, I poo. I'm not afraid to admit it…..unless I'm in a public restroom. 

 

I get paranoid. I don't want people knowing my business. I can't handle that crack between the door and the stall wall otherwise known as the creep window.  No one ever looks but one day they will and I'm prepared. BOOM Double hand defend and you might be thinking but Joe what about the 2nd crack. Don't worry it's a motion detector and I can move my hands that necessary 30 degrees for coverage. (A lot of geometry in the public restrooms.)

 

And since we're revealing ourselves here, let's get personal. Does anyone here pee then poo when they use the restroom? Don't be afraid to raise your hands….if you washed them first of course. Not me, I'm a poo then pee guy. Always have been always will be. Toilet gets the main course then followed with a dessert champagne.  One guy told me he does both at the same time. What, is he a pigeon? To me that just seems too intense, how has he not had a heart attack? I can't do that. I don't know how to multitask.  

 

So back to me pooing and then peeing. A poopee if you may. I always get paranoid with it because sometimes I pee longer than I poo so in my head I think everyone in the restroom is judging me for sitting down to pee when I know in my head I definitely pooed. That's what it's like to be me. Constant fear that other people who enter a restroom that I'm in have one mission and that is to embarrass me by listening if I pee while I'm in the stall.  What is wrong with me? Don't even get me started if there's a bathroom attendant.

 

The bathroom attendant is either one of two people. A guy who probably ran out of options and now he's handing out hotel mints and gum after helping you with a towel and turning the sink off and on for you or he's a homeless guy who hands you a paper towel or turns on the hand dryer offer that never works and he hands you already opened toothpicks that you have to politely decline over and over again so he'll stop trying to give them to you. That ordeal does not end until you throw that one dollar in his open lunchbox that I'm pretty sure had Dora the Explorer on it.

 

Before I go though I do like to live in a world where the professional bathroom attendant's live happy lives so I figure why not make a dating website for bathroom attendants only. Where else will they find the love of their lives who come from a similar background. Not on the job of course. I'll probably call the site, "Mints for two"

 

So next time you enter a public restroom remember…..God is watching.

-Joe Bates

The Science is Dead Series

Hey folks! Here at the Future of Comedy we're always trying to educate the masses so here's an ongoing series from our pal Jermaine Warren called Science is Dead

1. The Power Team

2. Popcorn

3. N.S.A

4. Breathing

5. Healthy Breasts

6. Walk On Water

-Jimmy Jam aka Jermaine Warren

Don't Follow him on twitter @iamjermainew

A Day In The Life of Tiggy

Hey FOC-aniacs! (I still have not figured what to call you guys. I really like just throwing -aniacs at the end of things but it doesn't seem to work in this situation. FOC-oholics?)

Anywho, we'd like to introduce a friend of the website Tiggy who was nice enough to let us study him for a day in his natural habitat so here we go with….

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF TIGGY

Always like to wake up my roommates to a pleasant surprise!

Always like to wake up my roommates to a pleasant surprise!

I like to start my day with some help from my roommates for breakfast.

I like to start my day with some help from my roommates for breakfast.

Don't worry I take care of the dishes!!!

Don't worry I take care of the dishes!!!

Then get a good ride in really work my Tiger Glutes! ME-OW!

Then get a good ride in really work my Tiger Glutes! ME-OW!

Setting up a date on Plenty of Tigers

Setting up a date on Plenty of Tigers

Get a game of pool in with my Tig=bros. " Hey buddy, how bout you keep quiet while i shoot. I dont roar when you shoot do i? Sheesh."

Get a game of pool in with my Tig=bros. "Hey buddy, how bout you keep quiet while i shoot. I dont roar when you shoot do i? Sheesh."

Checking the lawn for a mid-day snack of dead field mouse

Checking the lawn for a mid-day snack of dead field mouse

That field mouse went right through me!!!!! UGH!!!! RAWR!!!!

That field mouse went right through me!!!!! UGH!!!! RAWR!!!!

I know my stance is a little unorthodox, but this guitar has got me so many mating sessions. You know Mary the rhino...yeah i hit that!

I know my stance is a little unorthodox, but this guitar has got me so many mating sessions. You know Mary the rhino...yeah i hit that!

But we all know I'm an animal of the night so let's do this!!!

But we all know I'm an animal of the night so let's do this!!!

Lets finish these shots and head to Saddle Up so I can meet up with Mary the Rhino


Lets finish these shots and head to Saddle Up so I can meet up with Mary the Rhino

Alright, date didn't go well I've got a full tank of gas, its a 20 hour drive to Africa, but im drunk. LETS DO THIS!!

Alright, date didn't go well I've got a full tank of gas, its a 20 hour drive to Africa, but im drunk. LETS DO THIS!!

Tiggy voiced and provided by Mr. Mike Pavlik

Weekly Advice From Our Creator: Meth

Hey guys! Joe Bates here hoping to pass your time as your waiting for the daily grind to end so you can get to your nightly grind at the club! My experiences in the club are a bit different as I'm trying to write a food and drink blog about which club has the best diet coke. So far they all tie.

This Week: Meth

Meth may have been popularized by Breaking Bad as the 'cool' drug. But I'll be honest, I don't think it's good for you until I had an interesting conversation.

My friend the other day told me that he was looking at pictures of meth heads as they progressed through their addictions and he noticed that their is a small window during their deterioration where meth heads look incredibly hot.  All you need is just the right amount of meth and it makes you look sexy.

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But unlike that photo above though, I started wondering about what my friend said. Daily photos?….what are these photogenic meth heads making?  Flip books?  You just flip through these pictures of a human degrading into this dark abyss. The first picture is a smile and then you get to see every tooth leave their sad face until the last picture is just a skull……

All you need is the right amount of meth to be sexy….That makes it sounds like it's some sort of healthy alternative.  "Hey Sharon, you want to go with us to Cheesecake Factory?"  "Nah I thought I'd just stay at home and do the right amount of meth."  "Oh Sharon, you health nut, you. What's next? No carbs? Get a load of Sharon"  

Girls I date I'm always saying, "Yea you're good looking but you're not methy hot." What's the point in me dating women with low self esteem and daddy issues named Crystal if they're not gonna do right amount of meth?

What about other drugs?  Is there a right amount of heroine?….Actually there is….zero heroine.  Oddly enough, zero heroine is also the score in anyone's battle with heroine.  0 - Heroine.  What does the flip book look like for heroine?  First picture, you, about to make a bad decision.  And then several pictures of Salvador Dali paintings.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, "Say no to drugs."

 

Steph and the Tele Episode 1: Jealousy

 Hey guys, 

Joe here to introduce a new ongoing audio sketch series known as "Steph and the Tele" from Stephanie Fisher. Take it away, Steph.

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"This is a new sketch series exploring the potential emotional facets spanning throughout the loving relationship my 40 inch LED TV and I share. The very first episode focuses on that nagging feeling that's easy to fall into with Jules Winnfield…....jealousy."

 -Stephanie Fisher

Sr. Buho's Take - Affluenza

Affluenza? Sign me up!

Lets cut the bullshit. If you're white in United States your life will likely be easier than if you were non-white. White people have advantages over others in our culture, and lets be crystal clear, not because of some mystical divinely granted superiority, but because we institutionally reinforce this reality. 

Let's take a closer look at the recent death of four people in Fort Worth, Texas. A young man named Ethan Couch 16, gets shit-housed after ostensibly getting his drivers license that afternoon, and runs down 12 people, 4 of which die. I know, I know, "What does this have to do with race?" well, besides the poorly timed Fast and Furious play on words (RIP Mr. Walker), it should be noted that all people involved were... white. It's a good thing too otherwise this kid might not have even been arrested. 

The age old judicial question "How does one adjudicate when race is not a factor?" I mean the poor judge, having to decide a case where the victims and the accused are both white. It's not like the camina de pastel of the Santa Rosa deputy (white) who shot one Andy Lopez, 13 year old (Mexican) seven times. The judge stopped just short of awarding that motherfucker a medal - although paid time off is pretty sweet. Don't lose sleep over the Deputy's future; he still has his job after all. Or how about the murder of Oscar Grant a black teen at the hands of a white cop, shall I go on?

Fortunately for our conflicted robe, our judicial system has a second metric for responsibility: money. The defense argued that the little shithouser was a victim of Affluenza. Only in America, "Waaahhh! My back hurts from carrying around all this gold!" Basically, he was raised with too much money and not taught the difference between right and wrong - and left for that matter - and should therefore be sent to therapy - not prison. I wonder if any environmental factors such as, I don't know, poverty comes to mind, have been used as a defense. 'No' is the answer in case you're not picking up on my strongly worded tone. Prison is a place for poor minorities. The statistics are staggering. Black males have the highest rate of imprisonment at 6.5 times that of Whites. And that's not considering the percent of the population these races make up - 13% and 72% respectively! 

Maybe I'm too pessimistic, perhaps I should throw on the old Hedberg glasses and hope the reality is not as bleak as it appears. So I don't mind if I do. Maybe the judge is a just compassionate individual that looks beyond race and money with a soft spot for rehabilitating teens. Turns out that in March of 2012, according to the Tarrant County Criminal DA, the same judge sentenced a black teen, 14, to 10 years in prison for a punch that resulted in the death of a 40 year old white male (he hit his head on the pavement after getting punched). 

This is where I the author give sagacious advice on what YOU can DO to change the system... well the system does't give a shit about you and it's not as if it ran out of fucks to dish out, my advice raise your kids to be rich white police officers. 

-Sr. Buho

Weekly Advice From Our Creator: Childhood Obesity

Hey everyone! Joe Bates here! As I try to every week here's some advice you can use to pass the time between viewings of The Voice as you try to figure out how Cee Lo can dress the way he does and no one has thrown him in jail yet.

This week: Childhood Obesity

Listen obesity's a problem in the modern times people and we're not solving anything until we find out the root of the issue and that's what I'm here for to inform you the foundation of the obesity problem.

Is it bad parenting or too much coddling? No.

Is it the rise of the nerds ? Sitting on your ass using computers being the best route to the money? No.

Is it the rise in quality medical procedures so we can have every inch of fat sucked out of our lazy dumb decrepit American bodies as a get out of jail free card for our failure to ever take care of ourselves? NO! It's not.

I'll tell you what it is, it's Super Mario Bros. And don't start thinking I mean video games because I don't. I'm talking about the one game leading to the downfall of man. Super……Mario……Bros.

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How you ask? Easy, so simple. Luigi's not the cool one. Boom, that's it in a nutshell. The most popular game of all time that people young and old know and love says Luigi is the doofus, the loser, the fuck up.

Which also goes down as the first time in our 4000 year history of the world. YEA, I SAID IT! 4000 years, didn't think you were getting a creationist spiel in the middle of a rant about a Nintendo game making children plump bags of flesh did you?!?! Because it's happening.

Super Mario Bros. is the only instance ever. EVER! Where Luigi the tall skinny guy……not cool and Mario the short fat guy……..cool.  What a horrible life lesson for children! How are you going to make Luigi the Goofus to Mario's Gallant? Don't believe me? Look at the titles of the games they get. Super Mario WORLD…….Super Mario GALAXY…….know what Luigi's game is? Luigi's Mansion, yea it's a big house…….on Super Mario's WORLD!

"Oh hey Luigi, 4 car garage? Full of Super Mario CARTS!" Hogwash!

One of the only things the game gets right is making a deranged fully evolved turtle a bad guy because EVOLUTION IS EVIL! That's what the devil gets with evolution, Bowser. But that's where the good lessons end because the villain Bowser is a turtle. A TURTLE! The same turtles that carry their homes on their back. Let me tell you something if you carry your home everywhere you go……you're homeless. I've never seen a guy carrying around a cardboard box and thought well at least his home's portable. No, I think "this guy smells like what I imagine AIDS smells like and I hope he never talks to me." I still give him a dollar though because the meek shall inherit the earth. So the villain in Super Mario Bros (Oh yea, you bet your ass I'm still talking about this game and childhood obesity) the villain in Super Mario Bros. is not Bowser. It's the homeless. Way to go, Japan.

And I haven't even getting started on how the hell can you get away with saying red (Mario) is better than green (Luigi). Green = nature outdoors….EXERCISE!  RED? The cherry on the top of the fudge sundae Mario's feeding his fat face before he goes off to save princess peach.

Green = St Patty's Day a holiday where you get drunk to have fun and party. Red = Valentine's Day a holiday where you get drunk because you're sad and alone……OH is that just me? Sorry, ladies I forgot you were manipulated in learning how to settle with any guy by some fat asian guy in Tokyo looking to score. Don't think so? What do all girls want to be growing up? Princesses. And in Super Mario Bros. who does the princess want? 3 foot tall, 5 foot wide Mario.

Who helps his brother and still gets to be the brunt end of the joke? Tall skinny sorry sack of shit Luigi. You know what Super Mario Bros is like? It's like if Zack Galifinakis and Ryan Gosling hung out and Galifinakis got laid. HORSERADISH! I'm not saying Zack Galifinakis is not a cool guy but when it comes to making the ladies weak in their knees I'm probably gonna give that one to Gosling. And yes, in my mind Luigi's Ryan Gosling. I don't care I stand by that. And am I living vicariously through Luigi? Yes, indeed I am. *Breathe* At this point, I probably should mention I recently had an ex leave me for a fat plumber so this may or may not be coming from some sort of bias but I still think with prayer and the will of God we can fix the obesity problem.

And by the way did I not just cast the perfect Super Mario Bros. movie remake? Who's not seeing that? Yea the last movie was a flop and you might think it's because they tried to make Luigi the cool one when he obviously wasn't ready after years of belittling. It might also having something to do with the fact they cast the Mario Bros. with the guy from Roger Rabbit and John Legguizamo whose only good movie was The Pest. *funny voice* "What about Ice Age?" He just did voice acting which isn't even a skill. *funnier voice* "I do voice acting!" Great, you're really talented which of Foster's Imaginary friend are you? Yea, I'm 27 and I brought up a modern cartoon! I don't care I have a lot of things that need to be addressed. Heaven help me.

But I don't want you guys getting the wrong idea this is not to say I don't love video games. I do. I love them so much that I knowingly play the games that exponentially increasing my chances of never getting laid.

I know there's a guy out there thinking, *southern voice* "I don't know about you, buddy but I was playing Call of Duty and getting a blow job from my lady. I'm killing Bin Laden and terrorizing her with my own semen. Basically, my balls are mass producing sticky bombs if you know what I'm saying. I call my testicles, Al Qaedees Nuts! Yea, I went there."

What? No. I'm not talking about Call of Duty or Madden or ruining the world Super Mario Bros………..I'm talking about Earthbound…..Zelda……Final Fantasy.

I'm talking about RPGs. Don't know what that is?

Okay take World of Warcraft, a game where a bunch of nerds play dungeons and dragons over the internet with a bunch of other nerds.

Now make it the same game and remove all those other nerds because that's how desperately anti social a person you are, where the fact you're around a bunch of other people who couldn't have more similar tastes to you and you'd rather be by yourself because they're ruining your experience.

But I'm telling you those hours upon hours of gameplay are way better than that 5 minutes of awkward drunk sex with my ex who's cheating on her plumber boyfriend because maybe she's not completely over how amazingly awesome Luigi is in Super Smash Bros. or how far he can jump in Super Mario 2. (Long Live Birdo!)

Don't agree? Never played Final Fantasy? By the way, the fantasy is not having a threesome on a cloud. It's better. I'm saving the world from Sephiroth, Jenova, and the Shinra Corporation. You're welcome. What? Never bred a gold chocobo? Don't know what a chocobo is? Take Big Bird from Sesame Street while he was in the wild before PBS tranquilized him and put him in captivity in the horrible zoo of sesame street. HOW CAN NONE OF YOU GUYS LOVE FINAL FANTASY!?!?!?!

*Breathe* I'm sorry I'm just really sexually frustrated right now. You can honestly only save so many fantasy worlds. But I'm saving myself for marriage. Praise be to Jesus who was never a fat kid.

-Joe Bates

Stand Up Comic Epiphanies #1 - Warren Urchin

Here at The Future of Comedy, we realize there's a percentage of this population that goes out every night to find any stage time possible to work on their craft and make random strangers chuckle till whatever liquid comes out of their noses. Sometimes these people go insane and sometime these people have an epiphany either way we here want to report their findings.

This Stand up Comic's Epiphany - Warren Urchin

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I've been a comic for about a year and a half and the other day I felt down on my luck, disappointed about what i've done with my life. I'm a college dropout, and here i am applying for a job bussing tables on the cheesecake factory website. Then I came across upon a questionnaire. 

i skipped through the questions haphazardly when i got to an odd question, "When i see the world around me, i have little hope for mankind." Reading something so absurd, I stopped in my tracks. As if by the pressing of a switch, my brain converted pain and depression into "I think I can do something with that." It was the next day, after performing the new bit I had written about a stupid questionnaire on the cheesecake factory website, I had a profound realization.

If i was never lower class, broke, and desperate, i would have never been on the cheesecake factory website and got the inspiration for the joke. Out of disappointment and self hatred and anxiety, and just the overall strain of working at a high-volume chain restaurant bussing tables for 45 hours a fucking week came a joke; came a punchline. Out of the bad, comes something good.

Maybe somebody in the audience could relate to it. maybe audience members at the pub filled out questionnaires for a job. Maybe some guy felt where i was coming from; broke and forced to go through a bureaucratic website hoping to get a job from a chain restaurant.

It's all about that drive, that passion for reaching out to people. The voice of a comedian is what drives he or she to find a way to relate and connect to the patrons. There is truth in the supposed psychological phenomenon referred to as "it's funny because it's true." It's with us as we go about our days, the good and the bad.

Every comic is unique in the way that they observe that world, it's good facts and it's bad facts. We live in a world ripe for satire. 

The reason that we comics instantly feel so alive after a good set; that blast of happiness, that "everything is going right" feeling comes from our inherent and apparent need to use our voice. To create something; something that says something. something that makes a drunk guy at a pub laugh so hard he drops his mug. 

If there is such a thing as "funny", it is that moment of surprise; for instance, when a comic uses a perfectly timed callback. It happens when a comic drops an insanely clever tag out of nowhere to the point that you are itching to hear whatever observation comes next. The funny occupies all your attention and evicts the "my life sucks" type of thoughts right out of your head for a few minutes. Funny is when a comic makes you feel like they are in your head. Funny is a curveball that is thrown onstage. Laughter is your brains way of telling you "alright, subconscious self, that was a damn good joke. Better express it verbally". 

Sometimes, we as comics feel alienated from the world around us. We fuck up, get sad. Get lonely. We feel locked in a society that we are powerless to change. But as comedians, we have a precious, precious gift to use our brains for this creative outlet. For instance, Politics is riddled with idiots and evil doers that are deserving of a righteous ridiculing. 

It is a testament to the human spirit, and it seems to be the epitomized mentality of what it means to be an artist. We are pained and angst-ridden in a backwards-assed society, clinging desperately to any outlet at our disposal to create anything lovely. 

We have a compulsion, a need to regularly make patrons laugh. When we succeed, it makes us happy. It gives us a fleeting view of contentment. A feeling that "everything is working out", a feeling so precious and rare it makes us glad to be a part of such a fucked up, crazy world. A comedian is someone who looks at the world, and all its injustice and suffering and loneliness and pain and says , "There's a good 5 minute bit in there, somewhere".

-Warren Urchin