Weekly Advice From Our Creator: Thanksgiving

Howdy everyone! Joe Bates here! As I try to every week, here's some advice you can use or pass off to your grandchildren. I assume I have a large elderly audience.


This week: How to not kill your family during Thanksgiving.

Look I get it. You suffer from murderous rage and you really want to take it out on your family. Fine, totally fine. It's not your fault you were born in blood and your fake father found you in that shipping crate after your mom was dismembered in front of your eyes with a chainsaw. Wait…wait….totally thought you were Dexter. What the hell is wrong with me? First off, you're clearly an idea of an audience which can only be materialized by my own thoughts and experiences. I've created a bunch of very old Dexters. 

Thanksgiving? Oh yea, Thanksgiving. Look, you have to do it unless you have serious family problems than you'll have to wait for my weekly advice column about dealing with domestic abuse. Haha, that one's gonna be chockfull of comedy. Probably a laugh every line. Why would mom hit dad? Haha, that never happens. But it does. It's a serious abuse that no one ever talks about it. GET IN THE KNOW PEOPLE!

But Thanksgiving! Yup, Thanksgiving! Listen, your family loves you more than anything else because they have to love you. Who else is going to make sure they get buried and not cremated like some sort of Donnie who loved surfing.

Here's a few tips to dealing with your family:

Never look your father in the eye. That eye contact is going to kill one of you. You, when you realize that your father grew up in a time where emotions were for commies.  Your father, when he is forced to show emotion and his heart grow 5 times bigger like the grinch causing a massive stroke. That's on you my friend….that's on you.

Sons do not EVER and I mean EVER tell your mom to shut up just don't. No one wins and your father who grew up in a time where a man smoked cigarettes because not having lung cancer was for Nazis is going to punch you in the face. And now you're eating a meal you can't smell because you have a deviated septum from your broken nose.

Daughters do not EVER let your boyfriend make his signature dish during Thanksgiving. I hate to break it to you but everyone in the family hates the love of your life and it's totally sexist because it would totally be different if it was your brother's girlfriend. That's just the way life is and you should have had Thanksgiving with his family. That choice is on you. That meal has to be Emeril Lagasse quality or the entire family is going to take a bite and do that slight smile nod move without any words. Your mom will state that it has a unique texture. Guess what? Thanksgiving just got ruined.

Watch the Macy's Day Parade. Al Roker is awesome. And you are missing great comedy. Do you know how many times you can comment on the fat/ugly dancer/ribbon twirler before it gets old? Infinite! it's always funny. And nothing can make you feel better about the music you listen to when you hear "popular Disney artist." Listen young kids, I hate you and everything you love except Adventure Time….you're on to something there. 

Football needs to be playing on one television in your house. I don't care if you watch it or sleep through but it's a great American sport and they need all the ratings they can get right now. Those Seahawks players need their steroids! Those Dolphins need to pay their therapist fees! Those Bears need to pay for Cutler's salon sessions.

Lastly, this is for the old people. Parents, grandparents, great grandparents (for those lucky pieces of crap kids who get everything in life) you guys keep being you. Thanksgiving is a holiday for you. It's a Thursday off where you don't have to worry about cholesterol, heart medicine, or what you eat. You have Christmas in a month and life's gonna suck so take it in now, fall asleep on your favorite chair, drink a little too much wine as you win at yahtzee, and yell at your kids because they never got the pleasure to vote for Reagan. 

Have a Happy Thanksgiving folks! Remember to give thanks for The Future Of Comedy! WE LOVE YOU!

Take that other countries! America!

Joe Bates

Weekly Advice From Our Creator: Dinner

Some more advice folks!

This week: Dinner

Pretty simple this time.

Take 2 State Fair corn dogs and a paper towel. 

Put paper towel in microwave lay corn dogs in the middle separated by an inch and half pointed in opposite directions.

Timer should be 1:22. Just trust me.

Put spicy mustard on both dogs.

Dr. Pepper is the best compliment to the meal.

Repeat 6 more days that week.

Weekly Advice From Our Creator: Family Feud Strategy

Hey guys!  Joe Bates here.  Once a week I will be providing my weekly advice.

This week: Family Feud Strategy

Are you an idiot? Do you want to risk a lifetime of ridicule from 4 other family members because you thought out of 100 people a decent chunk said Masaccio was their favorite Italian renaissance painter/sculptor? (Hint, if it's not a teenage mutant ninja turtle you're wasting Steve Harvey's time) Then you my friend should go for that $20,000! About $10,000 after taxes and then split between 5 people so congrats on $2,000! That time you take off work is definitely worth it. You know who's pissed off the most? The #6 family member. Trust me, of all the people watching this show there is not one person who wants you to fail more than that 6th family member who gets to watch the show from the audience next to a 400 pound lady named Candy wearing an "I HEART MY CELEBRITY HOUSE TOUR" shirt who couldn't get into the Price is Right Taping and didn't want to see Jeopardy because it's a bit wordy. That 6th family member is ruining every family dinner if you guys fail with a simple, "Hey Larry, out of 100 people surveyed what do I want you to pass me?" "Suzy, can you…." "EHHH I'll guess I'll call the Nguyen's for the steal." That's every dinner forever.

But Joe where's the advice? Besides not wasting your time applying for this show when there is good money to be made on hundreds of reality shows or game shows that take actual skill? Oh yea, that's what this is about isn't it? Well here it is. 

1. Prepare to compete against a family of a different race and culture than you've experienced. Listen mostly white audience I have for this site, when you're on Family Feud it's a loud black family that you are going against based on my statistical analysis of watching all the episodes and you need to be prepared. Don't let your built in racism take over and throw you off by being upset that Laquanda just destroyed your brother Tom in the face-off because Tom went to a private university. You didn't even know Laquanda's an electrical engineer till Steve "Never Leave" Harvey asked her after he kissed her hand.  Which brings me to my next point.

2. Steve Harvey,  you better laugh at every one of his jokes. Not only has he been doing stand up for almost 30 years, he's the first african american host of the Feud. Move over Jackie Robinson! Move over Obama! Move over 3rd guy! (I'm not counting a short stint by Al Roker because honestly who would?) I'm not even going to get into the dark history of hosts that stains the memory of the feud but I will let you know Dolly Parton almost hosted it but lost out to Louie Anderson. Is that not a meeting you would want to witness the discussion of their pros and cons? Sooooo back to my point, let me tell something about the Feud you may not know. The host is like the blackjack dealer in Vegas. They want you to win. They don't care about the fat cats, they care about you unless you give them attitude. Make Steve comfortable and he'll turn your mumbled answer into #4 on the board or let you get your answer in during Fast Money when you guessed obviously after the 0 second buzzer.

3. Understand the surveying process. Family Feud gets their data by random digit dialing. That's right folks, the same method your state senator uses to remind you that he exists and acts like you're not just checking all Democrat or all Republican or all Klingon. (Vote Worf for State Treasurer) So who the hell is answering that call? And then who the hell is following that up with a 10-30 minute conversation about famous celebrities whose first name is steve. (STEVE MCQUEEN!)[<----which would break rule 2 flattering Steve Harvey.] So who falls under this weird category? Stay at home moms, cleaning ladies who answer people's phones, nannies, old people, and unemployed sons that for some reason still have a house phone. That's who is answering these questions. Lazy, old, and/or poor people. So when they ask what's a fruit that you buy every time at the grocery store, it's not apple! Too hard to bite into. Old people hate that! It's bananas! Unless you believe it's a higher amount of hispanic people being surveyed than go with oranges. If you want to win the Feud you have to leave all your pre-conceived notions of what it took you to get there and start thinking like Barbara the lady who "sort-of" speed walks in your neighborhood or Leonard the guy with pants to his neck or Reggie the high school drop out whose apartment releases a smell of sadness.

4. Play or Pass? The biggest question of the show. Once you win your face off, Mr. Harvey wants to know will your family play or pass. First step, DON'T TURN TO YOUR FAMILY TO ASK THEM! That shows weakness and that other family of philipino cirque de soleil midgets will pounce all over that with a confidence boost! 3 things need to be considered when deciding whether to play or pass. How simple is the question, the amount of answers, and the other family? If it's a question where there really is a small amount of finite possible answers such as body parts or rooms in the house you better be playing. The odds of you incorrectly guessing 3 rooms in the house when there is 4 answers on the board is slim to none. If it's cities in America or what to buy with the lottery winnings and there's 6 answers on the board? It's not a bad idea to pass. The amount of time your family gets to think about possible answers while the other family flounders under the weight of hundreds of possible answers is ample and there is no bigger momentum killer than a family guessing all but 2 answers and your family steals it taking all the points after all their hard work.

5. FAST MONEY. If you get there be ready for it. Walk over to Steve confidently and with purpose like you're meant to be there and there was no doubt you'd be there at the end of the show. When asked a question and I can not stress this enough. DO NOT THINK ABOUT IT AND WHATEVER YOU DO NEVER EVER EVER PASS! If you are considering passing then don't even go up there for FAST MONEY. It's a death sentence. No family has ever got to that vaunted 200 points ever saying the word pass unless one of the questions was things to do with a football. If you get stuck blurt out a word any word that comes into your head. If it's a 0 it's a 0 and the audience and Steve Harvey get to have a laugh but if it's 5-9 points because other people went through your same process guess what? That could be the difference between $5 a point and $20,000. Usually, the answers are pretty obvious and it helps imagining Steve asking your mom these questions and saying whatever you think she would say. Don't hesitate and don't overthink. If you're the anchor of the team with a total of 25 seconds you get a little bit of breathing room but don't relax too much. If you guess a repeated answer don't get frustrated be happy! It means you probably got a good amount of points already for that answer. And do not be afraid to celebrate when you guys reach 200. People love watching that.

6. Lastly and most importantly, if you don't make it to 200 and odds are you won't. DO NOT ARGUE WITH YOUR FAMILY OR GET UPSET! You are back next episode and you need to keep being on the top of your game because if you get to 5 episodes in a row guess what? Your family wins a car and then you can argue all you want on who gets that car. BTW what a dumb dumb prize for a 5 member team to win. It's just so dumb. It's always 5 adults most likely from 3-4 family units. Why would you give them a car? If that situation happens whoever gets the car gives up their share of the money. SIMPLE SOLUTION! Also, if you just win money, my recommendation and people aren't going to be happy with this but you should split it up by family unit and not individual. If a couple is married they don't deserve double the money of Cheryl the widow who lives with 8 cats. Cheryl's probably giving up more to be there to be surrounded by everyone else in the family who's successful and didn't have a husband die in an odd ice cream drowning incident. (#3 answer for most delicious way to die).

And when all is said and done throw in $500 to that 6th family member because that's the surest way to shut them up. Money for nothing. TAKE IT AWAY DIRE STRAITS!

Oh and Joey Fatone is the announcer now. Isn't that weird?  I think that's super weird.

-Joe Bates


Hey Guys! 

Welcome to The Future of Comedy, I'm Joe Bates chief editor or whatever important title that means dude in charge. This website is for you to keep up with anything and everything with articles from creative people all over the country.  "All over the country?" Yes, now let me finish. We've got some great contributors lined up to talk about things as necessary from film, music and sports to short stories to poetry if we ever get the permit for it. "There's permits?" There's not.  

Feel free to go to the podcast page to check out the very funny Rank You Very Much and other assorted podcasts.  Check out our Crew page to see a little bio for all of contributors on the site. Contact the Future if you have any ideas for articles, podcasts or even if you think you have something that would be great for this site.

In the end, I love three things comedy, America, and viewers like you. 

From Russia with gloves,

Joe Bates