Hey guys! Joe Bates here. Once a week I will be providing my weekly advice.
This week: Family Feud Strategy
Are you an idiot? Do you want to risk a lifetime of ridicule from 4 other family members because you thought out of 100 people a decent chunk said Masaccio was their favorite Italian renaissance painter/sculptor? (Hint, if it's not a teenage mutant ninja turtle you're wasting Steve Harvey's time) Then you my friend should go for that $20,000! About $10,000 after taxes and then split between 5 people so congrats on $2,000! That time you take off work is definitely worth it. You know who's pissed off the most? The #6 family member. Trust me, of all the people watching this show there is not one person who wants you to fail more than that 6th family member who gets to watch the show from the audience next to a 400 pound lady named Candy wearing an "I HEART MY CELEBRITY HOUSE TOUR" shirt who couldn't get into the Price is Right Taping and didn't want to see Jeopardy because it's a bit wordy. That 6th family member is ruining every family dinner if you guys fail with a simple, "Hey Larry, out of 100 people surveyed what do I want you to pass me?" "Suzy, can you…." "EHHH I'll guess I'll call the Nguyen's for the steal." That's every dinner forever.
But Joe where's the advice? Besides not wasting your time applying for this show when there is good money to be made on hundreds of reality shows or game shows that take actual skill? Oh yea, that's what this is about isn't it? Well here it is.
1. Prepare to compete against a family of a different race and culture than you've experienced. Listen mostly white audience I have for this site, when you're on Family Feud it's a loud black family that you are going against based on my statistical analysis of watching all the episodes and you need to be prepared. Don't let your built in racism take over and throw you off by being upset that Laquanda just destroyed your brother Tom in the face-off because Tom went to a private university. You didn't even know Laquanda's an electrical engineer till Steve "Never Leave" Harvey asked her after he kissed her hand. Which brings me to my next point.
2. Steve Harvey, you better laugh at every one of his jokes. Not only has he been doing stand up for almost 30 years, he's the first african american host of the Feud. Move over Jackie Robinson! Move over Obama! Move over 3rd guy! (I'm not counting a short stint by Al Roker because honestly who would?) I'm not even going to get into the dark history of hosts that stains the memory of the feud but I will let you know Dolly Parton almost hosted it but lost out to Louie Anderson. Is that not a meeting you would want to witness the discussion of their pros and cons? Sooooo back to my point, let me tell something about the Feud you may not know. The host is like the blackjack dealer in Vegas. They want you to win. They don't care about the fat cats, they care about you unless you give them attitude. Make Steve comfortable and he'll turn your mumbled answer into #4 on the board or let you get your answer in during Fast Money when you guessed obviously after the 0 second buzzer.
3. Understand the surveying process. Family Feud gets their data by random digit dialing. That's right folks, the same method your state senator uses to remind you that he exists and acts like you're not just checking all Democrat or all Republican or all Klingon. (Vote Worf for State Treasurer) So who the hell is answering that call? And then who the hell is following that up with a 10-30 minute conversation about famous celebrities whose first name is steve. (STEVE MCQUEEN!)[<----which would break rule 2 flattering Steve Harvey.] So who falls under this weird category? Stay at home moms, cleaning ladies who answer people's phones, nannies, old people, and unemployed sons that for some reason still have a house phone. That's who is answering these questions. Lazy, old, and/or poor people. So when they ask what's a fruit that you buy every time at the grocery store, it's not apple! Too hard to bite into. Old people hate that! It's bananas! Unless you believe it's a higher amount of hispanic people being surveyed than go with oranges. If you want to win the Feud you have to leave all your pre-conceived notions of what it took you to get there and start thinking like Barbara the lady who "sort-of" speed walks in your neighborhood or Leonard the guy with pants to his neck or Reggie the high school drop out whose apartment releases a smell of sadness.
4. Play or Pass? The biggest question of the show. Once you win your face off, Mr. Harvey wants to know will your family play or pass. First step, DON'T TURN TO YOUR FAMILY TO ASK THEM! That shows weakness and that other family of philipino cirque de soleil midgets will pounce all over that with a confidence boost! 3 things need to be considered when deciding whether to play or pass. How simple is the question, the amount of answers, and the other family? If it's a question where there really is a small amount of finite possible answers such as body parts or rooms in the house you better be playing. The odds of you incorrectly guessing 3 rooms in the house when there is 4 answers on the board is slim to none. If it's cities in America or what to buy with the lottery winnings and there's 6 answers on the board? It's not a bad idea to pass. The amount of time your family gets to think about possible answers while the other family flounders under the weight of hundreds of possible answers is ample and there is no bigger momentum killer than a family guessing all but 2 answers and your family steals it taking all the points after all their hard work.
5. FAST MONEY. If you get there be ready for it. Walk over to Steve confidently and with purpose like you're meant to be there and there was no doubt you'd be there at the end of the show. When asked a question and I can not stress this enough. DO NOT THINK ABOUT IT AND WHATEVER YOU DO NEVER EVER EVER PASS! If you are considering passing then don't even go up there for FAST MONEY. It's a death sentence. No family has ever got to that vaunted 200 points ever saying the word pass unless one of the questions was things to do with a football. If you get stuck blurt out a word any word that comes into your head. If it's a 0 it's a 0 and the audience and Steve Harvey get to have a laugh but if it's 5-9 points because other people went through your same process guess what? That could be the difference between $5 a point and $20,000. Usually, the answers are pretty obvious and it helps imagining Steve asking your mom these questions and saying whatever you think she would say. Don't hesitate and don't overthink. If you're the anchor of the team with a total of 25 seconds you get a little bit of breathing room but don't relax too much. If you guess a repeated answer don't get frustrated be happy! It means you probably got a good amount of points already for that answer. And do not be afraid to celebrate when you guys reach 200. People love watching that.
6. Lastly and most importantly, if you don't make it to 200 and odds are you won't. DO NOT ARGUE WITH YOUR FAMILY OR GET UPSET! You are back next episode and you need to keep being on the top of your game because if you get to 5 episodes in a row guess what? Your family wins a car and then you can argue all you want on who gets that car. BTW what a dumb dumb prize for a 5 member team to win. It's just so dumb. It's always 5 adults most likely from 3-4 family units. Why would you give them a car? If that situation happens whoever gets the car gives up their share of the money. SIMPLE SOLUTION! Also, if you just win money, my recommendation and people aren't going to be happy with this but you should split it up by family unit and not individual. If a couple is married they don't deserve double the money of Cheryl the widow who lives with 8 cats. Cheryl's probably giving up more to be there to be surrounded by everyone else in the family who's successful and didn't have a husband die in an odd ice cream drowning incident. (#3 answer for most delicious way to die).
And when all is said and done throw in $500 to that 6th family member because that's the surest way to shut them up. Money for nothing. TAKE IT AWAY DIRE STRAITS!
Oh and Joey Fatone is the announcer now. Isn't that weird? I think that's super weird.