Hey everyone! Joe Bates here! As I try to every week here's some advice you can use to pass the time between viewings of The Voice as you try to figure out how Cee Lo can dress the way he does and no one has thrown him in jail yet.
This week: Childhood Obesity
Listen obesity's a problem in the modern times people and we're not solving anything until we find out the root of the issue and that's what I'm here for to inform you the foundation of the obesity problem.
Is it bad parenting or too much coddling? No.
Is it the rise of the nerds ? Sitting on your ass using computers being the best route to the money? No.
Is it the rise in quality medical procedures so we can have every inch of fat sucked out of our lazy dumb decrepit American bodies as a get out of jail free card for our failure to ever take care of ourselves? NO! It's not.
I'll tell you what it is, it's Super Mario Bros. And don't start thinking I mean video games because I don't. I'm talking about the one game leading to the downfall of man. Super……Mario……Bros.
How you ask? Easy, so simple. Luigi's not the cool one. Boom, that's it in a nutshell. The most popular game of all time that people young and old know and love says Luigi is the doofus, the loser, the fuck up.
Which also goes down as the first time in our 4000 year history of the world. YEA, I SAID IT! 4000 years, didn't think you were getting a creationist spiel in the middle of a rant about a Nintendo game making children plump bags of flesh did you?!?! Because it's happening.
Super Mario Bros. is the only instance ever. EVER! Where Luigi the tall skinny guy……not cool and Mario the short fat guy……..cool. What a horrible life lesson for children! How are you going to make Luigi the Goofus to Mario's Gallant? Don't believe me? Look at the titles of the games they get. Super Mario WORLD…….Super Mario GALAXY…….know what Luigi's game is? Luigi's Mansion, yea it's a big house…….on Super Mario's WORLD!
"Oh hey Luigi, 4 car garage? Full of Super Mario CARTS!" Hogwash!
One of the only things the game gets right is making a deranged fully evolved turtle a bad guy because EVOLUTION IS EVIL! That's what the devil gets with evolution, Bowser. But that's where the good lessons end because the villain Bowser is a turtle. A TURTLE! The same turtles that carry their homes on their back. Let me tell you something if you carry your home everywhere you go……you're homeless. I've never seen a guy carrying around a cardboard box and thought well at least his home's portable. No, I think "this guy smells like what I imagine AIDS smells like and I hope he never talks to me." I still give him a dollar though because the meek shall inherit the earth. So the villain in Super Mario Bros (Oh yea, you bet your ass I'm still talking about this game and childhood obesity) the villain in Super Mario Bros. is not Bowser. It's the homeless. Way to go, Japan.
And I haven't even getting started on how the hell can you get away with saying red (Mario) is better than green (Luigi). Green = nature outdoors….EXERCISE! RED? The cherry on the top of the fudge sundae Mario's feeding his fat face before he goes off to save princess peach.
Green = St Patty's Day a holiday where you get drunk to have fun and party. Red = Valentine's Day a holiday where you get drunk because you're sad and alone……OH is that just me? Sorry, ladies I forgot you were manipulated in learning how to settle with any guy by some fat asian guy in Tokyo looking to score. Don't think so? What do all girls want to be growing up? Princesses. And in Super Mario Bros. who does the princess want? 3 foot tall, 5 foot wide Mario.
Who helps his brother and still gets to be the brunt end of the joke? Tall skinny sorry sack of shit Luigi. You know what Super Mario Bros is like? It's like if Zack Galifinakis and Ryan Gosling hung out and Galifinakis got laid. HORSERADISH! I'm not saying Zack Galifinakis is not a cool guy but when it comes to making the ladies weak in their knees I'm probably gonna give that one to Gosling. And yes, in my mind Luigi's Ryan Gosling. I don't care I stand by that. And am I living vicariously through Luigi? Yes, indeed I am. *Breathe* At this point, I probably should mention I recently had an ex leave me for a fat plumber so this may or may not be coming from some sort of bias but I still think with prayer and the will of God we can fix the obesity problem.
And by the way did I not just cast the perfect Super Mario Bros. movie remake? Who's not seeing that? Yea the last movie was a flop and you might think it's because they tried to make Luigi the cool one when he obviously wasn't ready after years of belittling. It might also having something to do with the fact they cast the Mario Bros. with the guy from Roger Rabbit and John Legguizamo whose only good movie was The Pest. *funny voice* "What about Ice Age?" He just did voice acting which isn't even a skill. *funnier voice* "I do voice acting!" Great, you're really talented which of Foster's Imaginary friend are you? Yea, I'm 27 and I brought up a modern cartoon! I don't care I have a lot of things that need to be addressed. Heaven help me.
But I don't want you guys getting the wrong idea this is not to say I don't love video games. I do. I love them so much that I knowingly play the games that exponentially increasing my chances of never getting laid.
I know there's a guy out there thinking, *southern voice* "I don't know about you, buddy but I was playing Call of Duty and getting a blow job from my lady. I'm killing Bin Laden and terrorizing her with my own semen. Basically, my balls are mass producing sticky bombs if you know what I'm saying. I call my testicles, Al Qaedees Nuts! Yea, I went there."
What? No. I'm not talking about Call of Duty or Madden or ruining the world Super Mario Bros………..I'm talking about Earthbound…..Zelda……Final Fantasy.
I'm talking about RPGs. Don't know what that is?
Okay take World of Warcraft, a game where a bunch of nerds play dungeons and dragons over the internet with a bunch of other nerds.
Now make it the same game and remove all those other nerds because that's how desperately anti social a person you are, where the fact you're around a bunch of other people who couldn't have more similar tastes to you and you'd rather be by yourself because they're ruining your experience.
But I'm telling you those hours upon hours of gameplay are way better than that 5 minutes of awkward drunk sex with my ex who's cheating on her plumber boyfriend because maybe she's not completely over how amazingly awesome Luigi is in Super Smash Bros. or how far he can jump in Super Mario 2. (Long Live Birdo!)
Don't agree? Never played Final Fantasy? By the way, the fantasy is not having a threesome on a cloud. It's better. I'm saving the world from Sephiroth, Jenova, and the Shinra Corporation. You're welcome. What? Never bred a gold chocobo? Don't know what a chocobo is? Take Big Bird from Sesame Street while he was in the wild before PBS tranquilized him and put him in captivity in the horrible zoo of sesame street. HOW CAN NONE OF YOU GUYS LOVE FINAL FANTASY!?!?!?!
*Breathe* I'm sorry I'm just really sexually frustrated right now. You can honestly only save so many fantasy worlds. But I'm saving myself for marriage. Praise be to Jesus who was never a fat kid.