Hello people of the internet, welcome to another weekly installment of weekly advice from our creator. I understand you can go to a lot of other sites for your news and entertainment but this time you went to this one. Congratulations, if I ever meet you I will talk about a great meal I had a fancy restaurant so you can kinda relive the experience with me. Yay! It's like we went out together but with our imagination!
This week's topic: Public Restrooms
Anyone walk into a public restroom and see a guy using the urinal looking at you when you walk inside? Ladies if you do…ummm…you zigged when you should have zagged. This is a dude centric activity. I never understood that…why does he care who is coming into the restroom? Who could I be that makes it more important than you expunging your bladder?
A terrorist? "I'm here to take this bathroom in the name of Joseph Smith!" What? Not all terrorists are Moslem okay, there are Mormon terrorists, you just don't hear about them because…..well mainly they don't exist but still! I guess that guys defense if I was a terrorist and he was at the urinal would be a defensive move I like to call the "turn 90 degrees left." Crisis averted. Take that, Mormons!
Who else could I be? A sexy lady? I mean I guess his dick's already out but that's neither the time nor the place…..unless she's a slut but what are the odds? I guess if it was LA, 50% but still not worth the risk of going all in with a urinating flaccid penis based on my own experience.
If I'm his friend, I'm not talking to him. He's doing his business, I'm there to do mine. Anyone else able to hold a conversation in a public restroom? What is wrong with you? I can't handle it. I have enough trouble pooing in a public restroom which is the reason it exists. It does not exist for us to hold a conversation. Yea that's right, I poo. I'm not afraid to admit it…..unless I'm in a public restroom.
I get paranoid. I don't want people knowing my business. I can't handle that crack between the door and the stall wall otherwise known as the creep window. No one ever looks but one day they will and I'm prepared. BOOM Double hand defend and you might be thinking but Joe what about the 2nd crack. Don't worry it's a motion detector and I can move my hands that necessary 30 degrees for coverage. (A lot of geometry in the public restrooms.)
And since we're revealing ourselves here, let's get personal. Does anyone here pee then poo when they use the restroom? Don't be afraid to raise your hands….if you washed them first of course. Not me, I'm a poo then pee guy. Always have been always will be. Toilet gets the main course then followed with a dessert champagne. One guy told me he does both at the same time. What, is he a pigeon? To me that just seems too intense, how has he not had a heart attack? I can't do that. I don't know how to multitask.
So back to me pooing and then peeing. A poopee if you may. I always get paranoid with it because sometimes I pee longer than I poo so in my head I think everyone in the restroom is judging me for sitting down to pee when I know in my head I definitely pooed. That's what it's like to be me. Constant fear that other people who enter a restroom that I'm in have one mission and that is to embarrass me by listening if I pee while I'm in the stall. What is wrong with me? Don't even get me started if there's a bathroom attendant.
The bathroom attendant is either one of two people. A guy who probably ran out of options and now he's handing out hotel mints and gum after helping you with a towel and turning the sink off and on for you or he's a homeless guy who hands you a paper towel or turns on the hand dryer offer that never works and he hands you already opened toothpicks that you have to politely decline over and over again so he'll stop trying to give them to you. That ordeal does not end until you throw that one dollar in his open lunchbox that I'm pretty sure had Dora the Explorer on it.
Before I go though I do like to live in a world where the professional bathroom attendant's live happy lives so I figure why not make a dating website for bathroom attendants only. Where else will they find the love of their lives who come from a similar background. Not on the job of course. I'll probably call the site, "Mints for two"
So next time you enter a public restroom remember…..God is watching.