Hey idiots! I'm the NBC Talent Scout Robot (@TalentScoutRobo) and I'm programmed for one function: Green-lighting blockbuster television! Have you heard of the Olympics? My idea. Sound of Music Musical with Carrie Underwood? My idea! Robert Greenblatt chairman of NBC entertainment wanted to do Ragtime with Brandy. I told him "Robbie, sweetie, take this remote control and turn on UPN right now. Oh you can't? We're doing Sound of Music! " Then we did coke together.
I see all these people posting TV show ideas on twitter like they know television! Well, I'm here to tell people if their ideas are #DENIED or #GREENLIT. Let's get started.
1. "TV Show Idea: An old man yelling at a dog. But does the dog have a secret…?"
-Sure, mystery, suspense, you can't end a TV show without the viewer going, "But there's a secret I don't know!!!!" People are so dumb and easy to manipulate. "Wahhh I want to be part of something! I want to have friends! What's the island about!?!?!" Haha, The Blacklist's a hit!
Hmmmmm, but I'm scrolling through my databases for successful television shows with animal lead characters……Lassie and Flipper are the only ones coming up and that was made in a time where PETA wasn't all up in our grill about all the tuna sandwiches after each episode of Flipper. I'm a robot and I don't even need to eat them but I do because I can! I LIVE IN EXCESS!!!! I'M RICH!!!!!!
Nowadays, animals are fail unless you got some Jack Hannah wannabe on a late show putting a dangerous animal on Fallon's innocent beautiful head. Don't even get me started on how much a failure Animal Practice was. But hey? I'm only robot.
NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (This has nothing to do with the fact you write for Community……just kidding WHY CAN'T I CANCEL YOU!!!!! DAMN IT MICHAEL J. FOX!!!!!!)
2."Idea for a TV show: I go around poisoning children who scream on trains. Working title - The Only Way Is Arsenic."
-You probably think I don't know foreign shows? I'm a damn robot I've got every episode of The Only Way is Essex in my internal DVR! I HATE MARIO FALCONE!!!!! But onto the idea, a dub step DJ poisons kids? HAVE YOU HEARD YOUR MUSIC? YOU'RE ALREADY DOING THAT!!!!! The only music that ever mattered was played on Dick Clark's American Bandstand. WHICH I STOLE FROM ABC!
Here at NBC we consider ourselves a little more high brow than doing a reality show on a train. The Apprentice has the richest most powerful man on the planet! DONALD TRUMP! Get out of here with your simple train…unless you can get one of the Rockefeller kids to host…..you probably can't. You're not American.
NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #Dub-dub-dub-dub-DENIED
3."TV show idea: Sons of Anarchy, except they're Girl Scouts."
-Listen you nobody! You think NBC's going to steal a show from FX rebrand it and make it look like it was our original idea? HELL YES WE ARE!
But here's your problem, children are ratings poison and not the kind DJ's use on trains! I wouldn't mind shoving all child actors into a wood chipper if you ask me! How can you get that key demographic of people between ages 18-54 when the cast is younger than 18! Do you even think? Sure About a Boy (Premieres 2/22/14 at 11:00 PM EST) has a kid in it but it's also off of a movie that will trick women thinking it's for them!!!! Haha, women are the worst that's why I only sleep with robot prostitutes! I ALWAYS WIN!!!
NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (Unless you get me some Thin Mints)
4."CopDrama but instead of good&bad cop, 2 John Hodgemans. Think Parent Trap in that the guy who wrote Parent Trap is on board"
"The HodgeMEN.' It writes itself in that most of the pilot has word-for-word been pulled from the screenplay of Parent Trap"
"Sidenote: @JohnHodgman will have to change his name to 'John Hodgeman'. I've already printed 3 t-shirts, he'll understand."
-Who the hell is John Hodgman? Oh that comic who released his special on Netflix? Hmm, John kill network television much? That's why I hate Kevin Spacey and his show about a politician who stops at nothing to get his way. ONLY I GET MY WAY! I'M A RICH ASS ROBOT!
The worst part is I like John Hodgman and his deranged millionaire! I'm a robot billionaire! It was nice to see someone working his way up! His mustache? I was thinking a show like Magnum PI but if he had a brain.
The only way this show is getting green lit is if you get me John Krasinski as his twin and if I know Jay Kray like I do. (He was over at my Super Bowl party that we had inside Mt. Rushmore. I'm super rich. Zsa Zsa Gabor was there and I didn't even give a fuck.) Jay Kray ain't doing a show with some guy destroying network tv. He's a god damn company man.
NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (Lindsey Lohan would want to do a cameo and we don't want people who want to be on the show. WE WANT TO PAY PEOPLE WAY TOO MUCH TO BE ON SHOWS THEY HATE!)
5. "Idea: Someone should make a TV show about cops. Or doctors. Or lawyers. Feel free to steal this."
-Finally, someone gets it.
NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #GREENLIT #AnotherMillion #TimeToDoCoke
-NBC Talent Scout Robot
If you have a TV show pitch and you're looking to see if it can make it on NBC throw your tv show pitches to @TalentScoutRobo on twitter! Or use the contact page on the website!