Hey morons! I'm the NBC Talent Scout Robot (@TalentScoutRobo) and I'm programmed for one function: Green-lighting blockbuster television! Did you see how great the Olympics were in Sochi? I not only green lit the Olympics but I basically own the entire city of Sochi. Do you know how many Russian chicks I've been with in the last 2 weeks? I had a Russian Doll multiple times. Do you even know what that is? Because I do and it's a 175,000 rubles. I love my life! Bob Greenblatt doesn't even know what he was missing but he had to go hang out with DJ Nash about how Growing Up Fisher has got maybe 3 episodes at most. Why did we listen to anyone named DJ Nash?
I see all these people posting TV show ideas on twitter like they know television! Well, I'm here to tell people if their ideas are #DENIED or #GREENLIT. Let's get started.
1. "TV show idea: Moderner Family- Crossdressing preteens adopt and raise 2 elderly women as their son"
-Are you kidding me?!?!?!? That sounds like the kind of over the top parody that bastard Dan Harmon would love! Let me tell you something, I fired him once and the only reason I brought Dan Harmon back to run Community is so I can fire him again.
Let's say you are serious about your Modern Family rip off which don't get me started how mad I am that people find Ty Burrell lovable and enjoyable. Am I the only one who can see how dark and twisted behind that all american likability? Talk about skeletons in the closet? I should know. I literally have dozens of skeletons in my closet right now after that President's Day Party. Talk about 9 PM to ??? am I right? For those guys, ??? meant death. HAHAHA, I CAN'T GET ARRESTED BECAUSE I'M WORTH MILLIONS!!!!
Who would even play the elderly women? Betty White and Betty White? Don't give me that Cloris Leachman crap. Sure she's great in bed but only because her mouth's full and you don't have to hear her stupid voice. I'm a nymphobot who's rich as fuck.
NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (How about a talent scout robot that has sex with Chelsea Handler all the time? MODERNIST FAMILY! SHIT'S ABSTRACT!)
2. "TV execs! Here's an idea: International War Crimes "Judge Judy" show! Presidents & other scoundrels plead, H. Belafonte dispenses justice."
-Harry Belafonte? You can't be serious? Did you see him on The Muppet Show?
YOU SEE HOW MANY MUPPETS THEY HAD TO PUT IN THAT SCENE!?!?!?!? Can't carry a scene with Fozzy the Bear, Belafonte? I fell asleep watching that! How about some violence? You let a muppet out sing you in that scene!…..also, kinda racist muppets…..what was it like it for the puppet maker? Oh I'm totally getting 'native' in this felt puppet…..yeesh! Thank robot god, Fozzy saves it in the end.
Listen Mr. Rage Against The Machine, how are you raging against the machine when you're giving the courts even more power!?!?!? I'm all for a cheap ratings boost but not through cheap reality court shows, damn it! How about this, we Law and Order this shit. We take real live situations but we write a script for it protect these powerful people's identities. I can't be pissing off my boy Ali Khamenei we just partied in one of his uranium enrichment plants…..I mean….a place where they make cocaine.
I'm not making this a Law and Order: World Crimes show though, I'm bringing back Night Court! Yea I said it! Harry Anderson's alive and ready to do this tomorrow! Comedy plus war crimes equals ratings extravaganza!!! Will Billie Young be able to defend Vladimir Putin with their past relationship!?!?!?!
NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (I basically changed your entire stupid idea and Markie Post isn't returning my calls after the "Brazil" incident)
3. "New idea for a tv show: 3 white guys in Compton at night and see what happens."
-RACIST!!!! I didn't green light William Shatner making out with Nichelle Nichols for you to put this racist garbage on my television network. Sure I cancelled it after 3 seasons….because well you know because of that but still…..
Let's say I even gave you a shot at this, what would you even call this show? 3 white guys in Compton at night. Is this a reality show? Comedy? Drama? Are the white guys making Compton a better place? Do we have to shoot on location? I think we can make El Paso look like Compton then I can lie about my residency and pay no state income tax…..no, no, no…I can do that with any show.
El Paso is a mecca and so close to Juarez! Where you can basically do anything you want…..ANNNNNNNYYYYYTHIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNG!!!! But NBC Talent Scout Robot what if you get shot or stabbed? I'm a god damn robot. Mexico won't know how to handle advanced technology such as myself.
So back to you being racist. Unless you make these 3 quick witted attractive white ladies educating kids in Compton to turn their lives around you can kiss your green light right out the door as I throw you of the window of my office. I live in a tower taller than the CN Tower because I'm super rich and super don't give a fuck.
NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (Billy Shats would be ashamed of you!)
4. "Try this one on for SIZE. A camera crew follows Shaq around as he renames everyday objects to include the word Shaq in them"
-Have you been sniffing robot glue? Shaq's an ABC man. Always has been, always will be. I'd love Shaq if he wasn't so ABC. He's a man after my own heart. He saw a great tv idea and told Steve Nash he could shove it and made it his own. Classic Shaq or as he'd call it, an instant Shaqssic.
Him and Charles Barkley are we in the industry call instant profits. It's gotta be NBA guys. That's where ABC is making the big mistake in putting their trust in Michael Strahan. Oh that's what I want to see some guy who has suffered massive brain trauma talk about the Kardashian's while I'm drinking my morning robot coffee while getting my robot johnson sucked from a robot prostitute. There's a reason I only let Teddy Atlas do Olympic Boxing. He's either legally retarded or taking 5,000 punches to the head has some sort of lasting impact. And I love Teddy! He'll eat anything for something shiny. I once got him to eat out my blender's robosnatch. Haha, blenders don't even have that! I had to buy him a new tongue but it was worth it when Brian Williams turned it on and Teddy screamed.
Shaq's not mutilating his tongue for NBC Talent Scout Robot. I should name that shit after my name! See that cactus? Now it's a cac-NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT-tus. I totally get it now Shaq. It's creative and funny. Syphillus? Syphi-NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT-llus. Wow, this is the funnest time I've had since Jason Alexander, Jerry Seinfeld, and I snuck into ABC studios and stole the costumes from the show Dinosaurs. We scared so many children! I paid so many parents off to not tell the cops. Jason called me the other day to tell me that story and you know what I told him, "IF JERRY SEINFELD'S NOT WITH YOU THEN GET OFF THE FUCKING PHONE! YOU NOBODY!" Now that's an instant clas-NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT-sic.
NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #DENIED (Shaq's basically my ABC equal. Although I can make my free throws. Seriously, that's a minor function of my programming. 87% free throw shooting career in the roboleauges…..which are still not recognized by the NBA but that's a total separate issue)
5. "TV Comedy Idea: A ________ _____________ is forced to share an apartment with a ___________ ______________."
Listen I get it, Rainn ever since The Farm didn't work out because that bastard Greenblatt thought Michael J. Fox this Michael J. Fox that and you've been struggling to put together tv ideas. Well let me tell you something! You deserve The Farm and that would have given me the ability to cancel that pitiful 3 million viewer for the 18-49 demographic Community……god damn it I hate that Greendale so damn much!!!!!
Anyways back to your pitch, I owe you for years of top notch awkward looks with MY MAN John Krasinski! Last Valentine's Day, me and Jay Kray got messed up on mollies and went to Dairy Queen on Magnolia Blvd and made those snot nosed kids let us make our own blizzards. I broke all their machines and I bought the hat worn by Doug the virgin working the cash register for $200. Haha, where's that hat anyways?
Back to the pitch, here's the fill in the blank. A sassy Whitney Cummins is forced to share an apartment with a sassy Chelsea Handler. BOOM! #AnotherMillion
NBC TALENT SCOUT ROBOT RATING: #GREENLIT (BECAUSE IT'S MY DAMN IDEA!!!!!!!)