A HANDY DANDY GUIDE TO MAKING NEW FRIENDS by Taurean Tomlin

So you need new friends. Perhaps you’re being ignored by your current friends. Perhaps your schedules don’t match up. Or even better, for your emotions, perhaps they all died in a fire. Either way, no one likes being alone, except for Wolverine; but let’s be honest, if you were as cool as him you’d already have friends, but you aren’t. Luckily for you, we’re here to teach you how to make friends with maximum efficiency, like a robot, a friendship robot…or a friendship Asian sweatshop worker, whatever floats your boat. 

Step 1: Finding new people

            This is arguably the hardest part of the friend making experience.  Just follow these few suggestions and you’ll be alright. People are social animals who tend to congregate in places where other people are already found, thus making back alleys and theaters showing Tyler Perry movies poor places to start. For beginners, we suggest schools and old age homes, as the young and the elderly typically find it harder to flee from unwanted advances...of friendship. For intermediate to advance friend makers, we suggest going to jail for petty crimes. You’ll find tons of people with a variety of interests in general population; such as amateur tattooing, meth, knife crafting, meth, race relations (mainly how to stop them), and of course, meth.

Step 2: Interacting  

            So you’ve backed this potential friend into a corner with no chance of escape, but now what? This is a tricky situation in which you run the risk of having your eyes clawed out, but the reward is most certainly worth the risk. Try an ice breaker. People hate bad breath, and you’ve most certainly got it…

THIS ARTICLE IS SPONSORED BY ICE BREAKERS GUM. BREAK THE ICE!

            If that doesn’t work, try asking them about their hobbies. People tend to like those who take an interest in whatever boring and mundane thing they consider fun. Just remember not to yawn in their face. If you must yawn, excuse yourself from the conversation and go somewhere away from their line of sight. Once you’ve got all that yawning out of your system, return to the conversation. If your potential friend hasn’t taken this opportunity to run away, congrats on accomplishing step 2. If they have, we suggest even more IceBreakerstm.

Step 3: Abandoning old friends

            “I don’t need them.” / “They’re dead weight.” / “They’re probably out to kill me.”

All thoughts you’ve probably had. Let me tell you, you’re 100% correct. Sadly for you, these leeches will most certainly get in the way of your newfound happiness. It’s time to cut them off, before moving on to bigger and better things. While faking your own death can be expensive and impractical, faking a disease is an easy way to fade into the background. When confronted, yes, confronted, by “friends” about going out and doing things, just remember these simple phrases.

              “No I can’t go out, I have cancer.”/ “I’d love to go see a movie, but I’m dealing with all this cancer.”/ “I can’t talk on the phone. Phones cause cancer. I’ve already got enough cancer.”

Eventually they’ll get the point. (Ed. Note: The point is cancer)

Step 4: Sealing the deal

            Now that you’ve shown your new potential friend that you’re willing to dispose of any and all hints of a past life for them, it’s time to propose an outing. There are several places that one can take a potential friend that will illustrate that you are a worthy candidate for their friendship. While movies and theme parks are a safe bet, we suggest something a bit more memorable, AN EXACT RECREATION OF THE OREGON TRAIL! While your new friend may not be onboard in the beginning (and that’s nothing some rohypnol and a logical explanation won’t fix…after they wake up of course) they’re certainly going to come to your side once you two are on your way. The Oregon Trail signified more than just the search for a better life, it signified a bonding experience; and without the usual crowd of dozens that tended to bog down the traditional Trail experience, you’ll have more time to interact with each other. What’s more fun than developing hobbies together, such as hunting ducks or combating snake venom? Oh the conversations you’ll have as you devour 100s of lbs of bacon. What’s diphtheria? Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out eventually; and when you do, you’re both certain to have a good laugh. So acquire yourself a wagon and hitch it up, because you’re both about to have the most memorable time of your lives. Just remember, no cell phones, you’ll want to keep the trip as authentic as possible; but if the slight chance arises where they do rebuff your friendship advances and get a hold of an officer of the law, just repeat steps 1 through 4. You’re sure to get it right sooner or later. Once all is said and done , sit down and have a nice sarsaparilla, because

CONGRATS!

   You’re the proud owner of

    A NEW FRIEND!

You’re welcome. (Ed. Note: Wait, does Taurean not have cancer?)